LNYMRKO
10-05-2007, 09:40 AM
Have any of you guys heard of, or read any of this guys stories/blogs? Quite possibly some of the funniest things I've ever read. Some of the stories are quite long, and could take like 20-30 mins or so to read.. but damn they are worth it, always leave me in tears! The dude gets so obsessivly drunk and rowdy, and just lays havoc wherever he goes, abusing people (normally females) and breaking shit.
Take a look, see what you think!
http://www.tuckermax.com
Few snippets from some funny stories...
"I get down to the staging area behind the penalty box, and the other two participants are a girl who was so skinny she looked like she spent three weeks on the Miami 48-hour Miracle Diet, and a fat guy who uncannily resembled the Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's. I asked him if he owns a comic book store, and I guess this is a joke he's heard often, because he got kinda mad at me. Unsure of how to react to his visible anger, I say "Worst. Reaction. Ever." This didn't help."
"We all have dreams. Martin Luther King dreamt of racial harmony. Larry Hagman dreamt of Jeannie. For over a decade, I dreamt of fucking a midget. One weekend in July of 2006, I finally achieved my dream. It went down like this:
I was at the gym when I got this text message from my buddy DrunkasaurusRex. He likes to play with my emotions, so I never take his text messages seriously:
5:51pm DrunkRex: There is a midget convention at the hilton in milwaukee here with my girlfriend and [soylentgreen] is here too.
5:52pm Tucker: Fuck you
5:53pm Drunkrex: Im dead serious
5:54pm Tucker: I hate you
5:56pm Drunkrex: Soylent has a free roundtrip ticket
6:00pm Tucker: STOP TEASING
He called me a few minutes later, when I was at home, wiping off the sweat and about to cook dinner.
DrunkRex "Did you get my message? I am in Milwaukee with my girlfriend...and there is a midget convention in town this weekend."
Tucker "I got your fucking message. Come on man, stop playing."
DrunkRex "Tucker, I am DEAD serious. They are everywhere. It's like the circus and The Wizard of Oz are in town at the same time. I swear on my life there are hundreds of midgets here."
[10 second pause]
Tucker "I am on the next flight.""
"1:24: I can't find my pants. My breathalyzer is in clear sight. I blow. A .23. Someone informs me that my challenger just blew a .26. They add that he hasn't thrown up yet. I tell them to "kiss my fucking ass." My last clear memory.
8:15am: I wake up. I don't know where I am. It is very hot. I am sweating horribly. It smells like rotting flesh.
8:16: I am in my car. With the windows up. The sun is beating down directly on me. It is at least 125 degrees in my car. I open the door and try to get out, but instead I fall onto the pavement. The scabs that cover my legs tear and reopen as I move. My penis falls out of my pink Gap boxers and lands, along with the rest of me, in a dirty puddle on the asphalt.
8:19: The fetid standing water finally propels me into full consciousness. I can't find my pants. Or cell phone. Or wallet. But I do have my breathalyzer. I blow. A .09. I am still not eligible to drive in the state of Florida.
8:22: I drive home anyway."
Take a look, see what you think!
http://www.tuckermax.com
Few snippets from some funny stories...
"I get down to the staging area behind the penalty box, and the other two participants are a girl who was so skinny she looked like she spent three weeks on the Miami 48-hour Miracle Diet, and a fat guy who uncannily resembled the Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's. I asked him if he owns a comic book store, and I guess this is a joke he's heard often, because he got kinda mad at me. Unsure of how to react to his visible anger, I say "Worst. Reaction. Ever." This didn't help."
"We all have dreams. Martin Luther King dreamt of racial harmony. Larry Hagman dreamt of Jeannie. For over a decade, I dreamt of fucking a midget. One weekend in July of 2006, I finally achieved my dream. It went down like this:
I was at the gym when I got this text message from my buddy DrunkasaurusRex. He likes to play with my emotions, so I never take his text messages seriously:
5:51pm DrunkRex: There is a midget convention at the hilton in milwaukee here with my girlfriend and [soylentgreen] is here too.
5:52pm Tucker: Fuck you
5:53pm Drunkrex: Im dead serious
5:54pm Tucker: I hate you
5:56pm Drunkrex: Soylent has a free roundtrip ticket
6:00pm Tucker: STOP TEASING
He called me a few minutes later, when I was at home, wiping off the sweat and about to cook dinner.
DrunkRex "Did you get my message? I am in Milwaukee with my girlfriend...and there is a midget convention in town this weekend."
Tucker "I got your fucking message. Come on man, stop playing."
DrunkRex "Tucker, I am DEAD serious. They are everywhere. It's like the circus and The Wizard of Oz are in town at the same time. I swear on my life there are hundreds of midgets here."
[10 second pause]
Tucker "I am on the next flight.""
"1:24: I can't find my pants. My breathalyzer is in clear sight. I blow. A .23. Someone informs me that my challenger just blew a .26. They add that he hasn't thrown up yet. I tell them to "kiss my fucking ass." My last clear memory.
8:15am: I wake up. I don't know where I am. It is very hot. I am sweating horribly. It smells like rotting flesh.
8:16: I am in my car. With the windows up. The sun is beating down directly on me. It is at least 125 degrees in my car. I open the door and try to get out, but instead I fall onto the pavement. The scabs that cover my legs tear and reopen as I move. My penis falls out of my pink Gap boxers and lands, along with the rest of me, in a dirty puddle on the asphalt.
8:19: The fetid standing water finally propels me into full consciousness. I can't find my pants. Or cell phone. Or wallet. But I do have my breathalyzer. I blow. A .09. I am still not eligible to drive in the state of Florida.
8:22: I drive home anyway."