Jokes thread

[jr]

A woman goes to her doctor.

She says “Doctor, you have to help me!�

“Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts to go ‘Freo, heave ho!’�



The Doctor says, “Don’t worry. A lot of cu (http://u)nts sing that song.�

[ReaperSS]

Why Men Can't Win


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

[ReaperSS]

A woman goes to her doctor.

She says “Doctor, you have to help me!�

“Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts to go ‘Freo, heave ho!’�



The Doctor says, “Don’t worry. A lot of cu (http://u)nts sing that song.�

:dizzy: :dizzy:

[Macca]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The
waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
the next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again
the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I
will have a steak, baked potato, andsalad," says the man. " Yep! Same,"
says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That
will be £32.62.." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his
pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint
of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exactmoney is always there," says the
man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[ReaperSS]

Q. What do you do for a drowning Fremantle player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
===========================
Q. Whats the difference between Fremantle and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
============================
Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Fremantle players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
============================
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Fremantle jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
============================
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says,"Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Fremantle players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and bums are interchangeable."
============================
Q. If you see a Fremantle fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
============================
Q. What do Fremantle fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
============================
Q. What do you have when 100 Fremantle fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
============================
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Fremantle fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
============================
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an Fremantle fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Fremantle fan - twice.
============================
Q. What's the difference between a female Fremantle fan and a Pit bull?
A. Lipstick
=============================
Q. Santa Claus , the tooth fairy , an intelligent Fremantle fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk , of course ; the other three are mythical creatures.
==============================
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a Fremantle Fan?
A. A Doberman.
==============================
Q. What do Fremantle Fans use for birth control ?
A. Their personalities.
==============================
Q. What is the difference between anFremantle Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

[adrenalin]

Ninja half of those are abo jokes changed ... :P

[GTS4SUM]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable
doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to
do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

[Macca]

lol ninja i posted the same jokes 5 days ago :p

[ReaperSS]

lol ninja i posted the same jokes 5 days ago :p

Woops! :lol:

[ReaperSS]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fvcking goofy!"

[ReaperSS]

Old but funny...

THE OFFICIAL **** LIST OR HOW DO YOU RATE YOUR TURDS.



1. GHOST ****.
You know you've ****ted. There's **** on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

2. TEFLON-COATED ****.
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of **** on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.

3. GOOEY-****.
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

4. SECOND THOUGHT ****.
You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.

5. POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD ****.
The kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't
come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

6. WEIGHT WATCHERS ****.
You **** so much, you lose several kilos.

7. RIGHT NOW ****.
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has it's head out before you can get your pants down.

8. KING KONG or CHOKER ****.
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually occurs at someone else's house.

9. CORK **** (aka FLOATER)
Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "****" how do I get rid of it.

10. WET CHEEKS ****.
This **** hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.

11. WISH ****.
You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position
and fart a few times, but no **** in sight.

12. CEMENT BLOCK ****.
You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.

13. SNAKE ****.
This **** is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb, and at least a metre long.

14. BEER AND PIZZA ****.
This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your **** doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD....usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.

15. MEXICAN FOOD ****. You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

[Macca]

DEAR ALCOHOL

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests
at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an excellent
eater,
but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor
with
a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Muppet_Guy]

Old but funny...

THE OFFICIAL **** LIST OR HOW DO YOU RATE YOUR TURDS.

I'm proud to announce I've experienced them all! :lol:

[ReaperSS]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees
the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding
Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding
Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red
Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you
**** off, I'm trying to take a ****"!

[ReaperSS]

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his cock out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

[ReaperSS]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening.

[ReaperSS]

> LITTLE TONY ON MATH
>
>
> A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot
> one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
>
> He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The
teacher
> replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little
TONY
> says, "I have a question for YOU.
>
> There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
> One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second
> is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
>
> The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The
> teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled
> down the top and sucked the cone."
>
> To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding
> ring on," but I like your thinking."

[ReaperSS]

> LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
>
> Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn
> multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable
> word?"
>
> TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
> Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little
TONY
> says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[ReaperSS]

> LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
>
> Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
> All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss
Jones, I
> need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the
proper
> word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate.'
> Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to
> go."
>
> Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had
> bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
>

[LNYMRKO]

Ok these are bad, but I can't help it. Sorry in advance..

Q: What did Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common?
A: They both couldn't control their fish tales.

Steve Irwin was sitting in god's office, and said to god "Look god, I appreciate you trying to make me feel at home and all, but I said I wanted a CROC, not a BROCK!"

[ReaperSS]

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

[yumafia]

:lol:

[ben351]

same as lenny i love them both but its only a joke

steve irwin an peter brock at at teh pearly gates ... irwin turns to brock an goes " crikey ... how come you get a halo already " ... Brocky turns to Irwin an replies " its not a halo ... its my fukcing steering wheel "

[ReaperSS]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
You're Mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mother and we met at a
cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that
said:



Scroll Down
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You've got Male!

[ossie_21]

same as lenny i love them both but its only a joke

steve irwin an peter brock at at teh pearly gates ... irwin turns to brock an goes " crikey ... how come you get a halo already " ... Brocky turns to Irwin an replies " its not a halo ... its my fukcing steering wheel "

Agreed, jokes will happen about people like that & all you can do really is try & see the funny side of it, even if it means making them up yourself & telling them.

Q - What was the last thing Peter Brock's girlfriend said before he left to compete in the rally?

A - Have you seen my hairpin......

:(

[ReaperSS]

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS MIDLAND!!!!!!!!!!


Associated Press (AP) 7 June 2005, 07:32 (Perth, Australia) Earthquake
Rocks Midland.

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale, has hit Australia in
the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre believed to be in the
Midland town of Perth.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin ell" and
"Whadda carnt". The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a
damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000.

Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana
Appreciation Society and the ACDC fan club momento's, were destroyed in the
quake.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

Perth radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later in the
morning".

The people of Midland are a resilient community and evidence of a full
recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car crime
carrying on as normal.

The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so
far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the
stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and
have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include
Centrelink booklets, VB singlets, Priceline jewellery and fine bone
china from Red dot.

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air-dropped
as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Donations
of clothing are in demand. Items most needed include Nike baseball caps;
Adidas tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts (female); white
sport socks; sturdy boots; and any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required
foodstuffs include, Chiko rools, kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,
ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke;wine ; VB and XXXX Bitter.

Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet.
$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms; $5.00 buys
chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of
nine; $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected suburb,
as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring
areas.

[McKVNT]

Hahaha lootings, muggins and car crime carrying on as normal

[Macca]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
==========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use
only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================

****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****

[waxdass]

OK.. its prob old joke but i just heard it and pissed myself...

The garbage man is picking up the bins along the street....
He comes to a house where there is a aboriginal man standing outside of his house, but there is no bin...

The garbo asks the abo man - "Wheres your bin ?? "
The abo man says (in abo accent) - "On holiday brudda"

The garbo then says - "nah mate - wheres you bin ?? "
The abo then says - "On holiday brudda!"

The garbo then says - "Nah mate, where your wheeli bin !!??"
The abo then says - " I wheeli bin in jail but I dont tell no one dat "


hahaha

[PT-R]

When is a pixe not a pixe .........






when its down your pants then its a goblin

[[RX2]]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a

sailor says

"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"


"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.



Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "

Sorry

farther,

but

that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"



Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor

and


takes The

fish

back to church.



"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the

bishop.



"Language, please! this is Gods house,"replies the bishop.

"No, no


That's

what this fish is called, " says the priest. "Oh," says

the

bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and

we

could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to

the

mother superior. " Could you cook this f*cker for dinner

tonight?"



he asks

her.



"My, what language!"she exclaims, clearly shocked."No,

sister

that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the

bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior

says,"wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope

is coming



for dinner!"


The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they

got it.


"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.



"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.



"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.



The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze,

leans

back On

his

chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,

pours

himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are

alright."

[Brockas]

The female demerit system...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) but return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-20)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Tina (-10) Tina is a dancer (-20) Tina has silicon implants (-80)


HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it(+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned _expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

[Twe12ve]

LOL "Death Cop" !!!

[Jazza]

LoL theres heaps of gold in here

[ReaperSS]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM .

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the
factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded
by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a
huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[ReaperSS]

A Romantic Stroll

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind - I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging betweenher legs.

He shouts in horror, "My Goodness Mary .. have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a **** instead."

[iluv2moan]

prob a repost but i cant be ****ed reading thru 2 2pages



How to Beat a Speeding Ticket


The driver of a speeding car is pulled over

Officer: may i see your drivers license mate?

Driver: i dont have one, got it taken away after my 5th DUI

Officer: you got your rego papers handy mate ?

Driver: nah its not my car sir , i stole it

Officer: the car is stolen ?

Driver: thats right, but come to think of it, i saw the rego in the glovebox when i was putting my gun in there.

Officer: your saying there is a gun in the glovebox (officer getting ready to pull out his glock)

Driver: yeah mate thats where i put it after i shot and killed the woman who owns the car and i just chucked her body in the boot

Officer: WHAT THE FUKC . THERES A BODY IN THE BOOT ?!!

Driver: thats right

Hearing this the cop pulls out his glock 45 and immediately calls his Police cheif, the car was quickly surrounded by police and the Cheif approached the driver to handle the tense situation

Cheif : Sir Where is your licence

Driver: sure mate here it is .. it was vaild...

Cheif: Whose car is this MATE !

Driver: Its mine officer heres the registration, im the owner

Cheif: Could you slowly open your glovebox so i can see if there is anything illegal in there?

Driver: Yes sir but here isnt anything in there but my pens and spare sunnys

sure enuf there wasnt any gun or illegal substances in the glove box

Cheif: Would you mind poping the boot mate i was told by the officer there was a body in there..

Driver: no worries mate

as the boot opened .....


no body was in there ,just a spare tyre

Cheif: I dont understand it the officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license , stole the car and had a gun and a dead body in the car....

Driver: Yeah ill bet the lying mother****er told you i was speeding too!

the original is soo much better though

[iluv2moan]

theres two drunk men in a bar sinking piss. 1 said to the other "i ****ed ya mum last night, licked her ****, ****ed her up the ass, then got blown off and cummed all over her face and mouth..." the other guy replies - dad i think its time to go home now

[iluv2moan]

Q. Y do lebo's love wanking





A. coz its five on one

[Macca]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy (beer and lemonade). All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look uo, expecting to see another Aussie visitor. The kiwi barman says "you aint from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "no, im from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "i'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?" The guy says, "No a taxidermist doesnt drive a taxi. I 'mount' animals". The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us"

[ReaperSS]

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone



"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."







A voice from near the front pierces the silence;



"Well, stop fu<king doing it then."

[[RX2]]

The Living Will..


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

Bitch...







A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your privates are out in the wind for
everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.............This is your
grandma's idea.."

[Twe12ve]

Q. Y do lebo's love wanking

A. coz its five on one

thats fukn hilarious.

[Sully]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Macca]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs . . . phone rings, but if I
answer
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot
recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some
friends
from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her
taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear

a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner.
Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to
see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never
touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached this subject with my wife. I think deep down

I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and

I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Ducati
next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of
the
whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind
my
Ducati, that I noticed that the clutch cover on my engine seem to be
leaking
a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back
to
the dealer?

Thanks,
Jim

[iluv2moan]

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly".

The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

"You son of a bitch" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again".


He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time".

He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor.



With his last breath the doctor says " lol, I was just messing with you. Your son was a still born."

[Macca]

He was 80, she was 20. It was the talk of the town when they got married. A year later she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse who congratulated the old geezer said:
"You are amazing! How do you do it at your age?"
"You got to keep that old motor running," he said with
pride. The following year the young bride gave birth again.
"Wow," says the nurse. "You certainly are quite the man.
How do you keep doing it?" Same answer: "Just got to keep the
old motor running." A year later, along comes baby number three.
The nurse remarks: "Still got that old motor running, eh?"
"Sure do," he says. The nurse tells him: "Well, you better change
your oil This one's black!!"

[ReaperSS]

James, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits
down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looks at James and
says, "Do you think he will jump?" James says, "You know, I bet he'll
jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

James placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the
blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the
building,falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20
dollars to James and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

James replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

[Macca]

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

[ReaperSS]

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

[Macca]

This is an ad in the american trading post




Post Date:




Aug 7th, 2006



Expire Date:




Sep 6th, 2006



$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of aloving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want"doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

[MTB]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic sex session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... A vibrator! She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? Explain yourself!"

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly, "I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."

[ReaperSS]

A man and his wife are awaken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"



His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into

the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes! Please!" come the reply from the darkness.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk!

[MTB]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,

"What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies:

"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl.

"Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."



The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."



The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."



Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,



"What's the problem........are you gonna be ok??"



"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

[ReaperSS]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

[jr]

A Rockingham girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."

[jr]

Another Rockingham girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

[jr]

A Rockingham girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

[ReaperSS]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[ReaperSS]

Exam for bogans


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a Red gum tree that will support a 40 pound Koala.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) HQ Kingswood b) LH torana c) XD falcon?

3. If your shazza can cop 8 punches to the face per hour before she gets K.O
How many punches with she cop after a carton of VB and a floggin each break in the footy?

4. If your thongs will last the distance 100klm before a "blowout" and you local pub is 1 klm walk from ya house, how many pairs of thongs would you need to last you the year?

5. If you needed a car to get to your A.C.D.C concert and you found a flat black VH commodore with "no fear" sticker on it for $1280 and your A.C.D.C concert ticket was $120.00, how many centerlink payments od "baby bonus" would you need to cover the costs?

6. If Mikko's mullet grows at the rate of 1inch per 6 weeks then how long would it take to grow a real sweeeeeeeet tuff cvnt head banger style mullet?

7. How many packs of winnie reds can ya get if you hocked in ya flannel shirt at the local cashies?

8. If your VH commodore uses $30 petrol to drive across town to buy a $25 bag of pot and a $50 pack of meth , is it a better idea to buy a carton of VB and drink it then belt the wife?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of winnie blues will be smoked during the shift?

10. If you HQ Tunna could do a burnout into 3rd gear only when you were crankin A.C.D.C then what gear could ya pull while leaning forward and crankin Metallica?

[ReaperSS]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says....
"Blow Job Revenge"

[to4garret]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[ReaperSS]

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

[ReaperSS]

A GIRL'S PRAYER:

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the bath, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.

A BOY'S PRAYER
Lord, I pray for a girl with big tits.
Amen

[ReaperSS]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and
the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.

You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and
Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[Macca]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto - the blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, and you will forget
about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

- If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
- If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

And remember...


1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the loo.

[TJ]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you come out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.


A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby
table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle
of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman,
saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and
sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a
million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own
back to her. Hs note reads:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and
a Volvo in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the
bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three
inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."


I GUESS THIS HUSBAND LEARNED THE HARD WAY!
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through
traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the
condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the
'Think before you say things to your wife club."

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience!



Stress Management Technique

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a 7 step stress
management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works ...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

[to4garret]

Can't remember if they've been on here before. Just found them on another site and thought you might like them Smile

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "You nuts...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Cold Fusion]

Whats Blue and Doesn't Fit





A Dead Epaleptic

[Macca]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp
as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney
during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The
officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback"
line -- and we think he'll win.

[oops]

pls interchange rockingham with boong to suit your comedic stylings..


Q. Two Rockingham girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.


Q. What does a Rockingham girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.


Q. What do you call a 30 year old Rockingham girl?
A. Granny.


Q. Why did the Rocko girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.


Q. What do you call a Rockingham girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.


Q. What's the first question during a Rocko quiz night?
A. What you looking at?


Q. Two Rocko's in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!


Q. What's the difference between a Rocko boy and a Rocko girl?
A. A Rocko girl has a higher sperm count.

[oops]

pls interchange rockingham with boong to suit your comedic stylings..


Q. Two Rockingham girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.


Q. What does a Rockingham girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.


Q. What do you call a 30 year old Rockingham girl?
A. Granny.


Q. Why did the Rocko girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.


Q. What do you call a Rockingham girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.


Q. What's the first question during a Rocko quiz night?
A. What you looking at?


Q. Two Rocko's in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!


Q. What's the difference between a Rocko boy and a Rocko girl?
A. A Rocko girl has a higher sperm count.

[Macca]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

**********************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

*************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

**********************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[Macca]

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a
monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with
cold water.


After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same
result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty
soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants
to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other
monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with
a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise,
replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then
the fifth.


Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were
not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in
the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for
the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done
around here.
And that ........ is how company policy begins.

[to4garret]

*SUBJECT* Letter To Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was
astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything
was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up
prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad."

With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and
sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new
girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and
you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is
so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of
all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes,
and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not
only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to
the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves
it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm s ure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm
over at Jason's house watching the cricket. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on my desk. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Macca]

I'm tired...


For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.


But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.


Here's why: The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!] 9
Million are retired.


That leaves 11 million to do the work.There are 7 million in school, which
leaves 4 million to do the work.


Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2
million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces


Preoccupied with finding Osama bin Laden.


Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work. Take from the total the 1 Million
people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000
people to do the work.


At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000
people to do the work.





Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do
the work.


You and me. And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer,
reading jokes.





Nice, real nice.

[Riggs]

New Australian Citizenship Test


How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime.
Weather continues fine.

How many beers in a slab?

Does "yeah-nah" mean "Yes and no" or "Maybe" or "Yes I understand but no I don't agree"?

The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

Name three of the Daddo brothers.

Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

Would you eat pineapple on pizza?
Would you eat egg on a pizza?

How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

Who are Scott and Charlene?

How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? 1993, 1997, 2001 or 2005?

What someone is more likely to die of.
1) Red Back Spider
2) Great White Shark
3) Victorian Police Officer
4) King Brown Snake
5) Your missus after a big night
6) Drop bear
7)Trouser Snake

How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sahn?

Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the crickets on?

What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

What are Budgie smugglers?

Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

What does having a 'chunder' mean?

When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

What do the following terms mean:
a) Mate?
b) Maate
c) Maaaaaaate?

Best Aussie name is what?
a) Cheryl
b) Charlene
c) Bazza
d) Thommo
e) Shazza

What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

[Macca]

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

[Muppet_Guy]

The best resignation letter ever!



Dear Mr. Baker,







As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very

basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an

intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your

consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the

commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few

true genetic wastes of our time.



Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of

everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only

a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because

I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to

provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly

attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth

time.



You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as

binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand

why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even

though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP

is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.



You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in

others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have

worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility,

you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for

your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the

blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you

are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is

unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal,



I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting

thoughts.



1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for

you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me

is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over

the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be

unable to do it on your own.



2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know

every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to

get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I

conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do

believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the

administration.





3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your

Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take

pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them

like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen

such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been

copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter

of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to

correct your mistakes.)



Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my

desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your

little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never

play with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do

with all that free time!





Wishing you a grand and glorious day,



Cec ilia

[TJ]

A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and
I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her
And says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then.....",

He said with a deep sigh,

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Fryman]

Theres a party tonight @ virginia Tech. Free shots for all students..

[kneedtotinkle]

HAHAHAHHA, may their souls rest in peace.

[Twe12ve]

ooOOOOOOoooOOOOH brutal.

lots of skiing there too..watch out for those killer slopes.

[TJ]

Lukian, nate, brendan, hells holding your boarding pass when your ready.

[Twe12ve]

man ive been in line for years....if anything this will just get me an upgrade into business....

[kneedtotinkle]

I paid my respects, paid my dues, no one expects, me to say BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[SCR34M3R]

got this of another forum

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pedigree nuggets at Big W and
Standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
Care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
As he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[Macca]

may be repost

Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ..

I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

[SCR34M3R]

>>Revenge!!!
>>
>>
>>A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
>>flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a
>>house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered
>>it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>>
>>
>>He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
>>money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam
>>figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
>>him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
>>girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". The boy said,
>>"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
>>Making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy
>>Was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to
>>Go to the first room on the right.
>>
>>
>>He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
>>minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
>>and headed out the door.
>>
>>
>>The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in
>>the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He
>>said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
>>are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with
>>a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with
>>me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
>>
>>
>>She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get
>>back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one
>>in the
>>Car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from
>>The baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum
>>Will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman
>>Will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease,
>>And HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!
>>

[ReaperSS]

>
> A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in
>
> the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands
>
> her on his desk.
>
>
>
>
> He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
>
> hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
>
>
>
>
> The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
>
>
>
>
> "How's that?"
>
>
>
>
> "Well, it's a lot better actually, but..... it's still there."
>
>
>
>
> Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
>
> Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.
>
>
>
>
> "How's that?" he asks again more confident.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "That's wonderful! What did you do?"
>
>
>
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[ReaperSS]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
>One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
>The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

[ReaperSS]

>Six Classic Affairs

>The 1st Affair:

>A married man was having an affair with his secretary
>One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
>fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
>rub them in the grass and dirt.
>He put on his shoes and drove home.
>"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>We had sex all afternoon."
>"You lying b*****d!
>You've been playing golf!"

>The 2nd Affair:

>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
>having a son.
>They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at
>the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind
>my back?"
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

>The 3rd Affair:

>A mortician was working late one night.
>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
>startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
>seen!
>"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
>cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
>posterity."
>So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
>"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
>opening his briefcase.
>"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

>The 4th Affair:

>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
>front door.
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
>"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
>much I got one for us, too."
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
>sandwich and a beer.
>"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days
>at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing"

>The 5th Affair:

>A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
>"One Cent?" the man thought.
>He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
>bottle of wine?"
>"A nickel," the barman replied.
>"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
>The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>The bartender replied,
>"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

>The 6th Affair:

>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
>"There's no need to," his wife replied.
>"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
>best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
>"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[ReaperSS]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead?

That can't be, I have so much to live for.

I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?

"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian.

"Well, just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian! Wake up, you drunk bastard, You're shitting the bed."

[ReaperSS]

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 100kms per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!!!



Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane!!!!



It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke......) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.



In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette oout of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AND IMPORTANT CALL.



F***ing Women Drivers !!!!

[ReaperSS]

>>> The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two
>>>finalists; a
>>> university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were
>>>given a word, then
>>> allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a
>>>poem that
>>> contained
>>> the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '
>>>
>>> First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
>>> He stepped to the microphone and said:
>>>
>>> Slowly across the desert sand,
>>> Trekked a lonely caravan
>>> Men on camels two by two
>>> Destination - Timbuktu .
>>>
>>> The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal
>>>top that, they
>>> thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the
>>>microphone and
>>> recited;
>>>
>>> Me and Tim a huntin' went
>>> Met three whores in a pop up tent
>>> They were three, and we was two
>>> So I bucked one, and timbuktu.
>>>
>>> The aboriginal won.
>>>

[Macca]

IS THIS STORY SPOOKY OR WHAT?

A True Australian ghost story
This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and ?... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub.

They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John
Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,

"Look, Bruce ?? there's that
f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[Macca]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned Bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

Oh, my, said the bunny, Im terribly sorry. I didnt mean to hurt you. Ive been blind since birth, so, I cant see where Im going. In fact, since Im also an orphan, I dont even know what I am.


Its quite ok,replied the snake. Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least youll have that going for you.

Oh, that would be wonderful replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, youre covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail". Id say that you must be a bunny rabbit.

Oh, thank you, thank you, cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that youve helped me.

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, Well, youre smooth and slippery, and youve a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

Id say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.

[Macca]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his
head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave.......



Dave.......



Dave.......



Dave........



Dave........



Dave........



........you're a vet

[ReaperSS]

25 WAYS TO IMPRESS YOUR GIRL



1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.



2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.



3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.



4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.



5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.



6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussy's and Asian ladies.



7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words f**k you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.



8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."



9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.



10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.



11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop b*tching about the cold right now you're going to be b*tching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.



12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.



13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?



14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.



15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.



16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.



17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.



18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.



19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.



20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.



22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.



23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.



24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.



25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny

[ReaperSS]

> >A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
> >The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> >
> >The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
> >
> >The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
> >
> >His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
> >
> >After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so
> >how
>
> >many sales did you make today?"
> >
> >The Aussie said "One."
> >
> >The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Here in Harrods, our sales
> >people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
> >
> >"£108,637.64", the Aussie replied.
> >
> >The manager choked and exclaimed "£108,637.64? What the hell did you
> >sell him?"
> >
> >"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
> >then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
> >fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he would need a
> >boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that
> >twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
> >would pull it, so
>I
>
> >took him down to Harrods car sales and I sold him a BMW X5 "
> >
> >The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
> >here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
> >
> >"No, no, no...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and
> >I said..."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."

[ReaperSS]

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/giraffe/


http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

[Muppet_Guy]

US Police Comments

These 16 Police comments were taken from actual police car videos in the USA.

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Blueraven]

haha at least they werent the usual dumbass comments. cops in the US mark take sarcasm lessons.

[SimonR32]

http://antilag.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15658

as for jokes :)

[Muppet_Guy]

JEREMY CLARKSON QUOTES
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in
your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963,
and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind
of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including
waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back
clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in
1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone
else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you
through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout
about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases.""
(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the
tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax
and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was
riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair
access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it
does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go
and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the
show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very
important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its
gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found
out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave
us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot
that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the
paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper
time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core
adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with
a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get
my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I
guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!

[Ja50n]

Rumors have it Club X are selling Al Quida Sex Dolls, they blow themselves up :)

[Macca]

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Macca]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[ReaperSS]

>>
>> Geoffrey the Aboriginal
>>
>>
>> A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a
>>party and
>>invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited
>>Geoffrey , the
>>only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
>>
>> He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
>> Everyone
>>was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
>>and BBQ
>>and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a
>>15ft
>>man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
>> anyone who has the balls to jump in.
>>
>> "The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
>>splash and
>>everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey
>>was
>>fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the
>>croc in
>>the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
>>kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on
>>the tail
>>and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
>>Instructor.
>>The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey
>>and the
>>croc were screaming and raising hell.
>>
>> Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top
>>like a
>>K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool.
>>Everybody
>>was just staring at him in disbelief.
>>
>> Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey , I reckon I owe you a
>>million
>>dollars."
>>
>> Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Geoffrey .
>>
>>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
>>bet."
>> "How about half a million bucks then?"
>>
>> "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey .
>>
>> The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
>>was
>>amazing.
>>
>> How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
>>
>>"Again Geoffrey said no.
>>
>> Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey , then what do you
>>want?"
>>
>> Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the prick who pushed me in
>>the Pool.

[Macca]

MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'

[adrenalin]

Golfing terms explained


* A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
* A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read
* A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasn't
* A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
* An *Elton John* - a big bender that lips the rim
* An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
* A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another
* A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
* A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
* A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water

* A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed
* An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it
* A *Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
* A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
* A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading
* A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
* A *condom* - safe but didn't feel real good
* A *circus tent* - a BIG top
* An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
* A *Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole

[Macca]

Worst part about this is, it wasnt a joke

Just priceless! - almost believable!
Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
and now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply..'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
' Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[OneJ]

Fuck that's unbelievable eh. Idiots.

[Macca]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and
immediately began to apologize, 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me,' she told him.'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in
a few minutes,' the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'He replied, 'Well, it feels great .....but my thumb still
hurts like hell'.

[Sully]

pinched from elsewhere

Twas the night before Christmas and caught at the light,
Was a domestic V8 and no cops in sight,
I will try, I will try, I will try with this small motor,
To beat this damn Camaro, even with it's big power,
As the light goes green and I pull like no joke,
The Camaro erupts in clouds of tire smoke,
Now Smasher, now Rev-ver, now Stroker, now Blitzin,
These are the names of my four VTEC pistons,
Racing ahead I'm the Star of the Action,
But I know I'm in trouble when that V8 gets traction,
Grabbing second, I hear the RPM sing,
My mirror is blocked by my Shopping Kart Wing,
I now hear the roar, of that big monster gaining,
All I can do is keep that four-banger straining,
In a second, the shockwave hits with a blast,
And my stickers go flying now, a thing of the past,
Don't bother with third, cause now it's too late,
Just try to act cool, like you can relate,
Looking up at the taillights as they get smaller,
The driver backs off just to give me a holler,
"You can't win them all," he says in fling,
"You may not win any, in that silly thing",
I scowled and revved and let out a sigh,
And did my trademark high-speed fly-by.

[Muppet_Guy]

Haha, nice poem!

[Macca]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...





1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.





2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.





3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.





4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.





5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.





6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.





7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen





8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.





10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.








11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )









12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.








13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.






14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.






15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[Macca]

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.



"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"

[Macca]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

[kirbo]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.



Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my arse and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[adrenalin]

bit of an old one...

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy



Gang rape

[TJ]

Rocko!!

Q. Two Rocko girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.




Q. What does a Rocko girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.




Q. What do you call a 30 year old Rocko girl?

A. Granny.




Q. Why did the Rocko girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.




Q. What do you call a Rocko girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.




Q. What's the first question during an Rocko quiz night?

A. What you looking at?





Q. Two Rocko kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.




Q. What's the difference between a Rocko boy and an Rocko girl?

A. A Rocko girl has a higher sperm count.




Q. Three Rocko youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?

A. The car seats four.




Q. What's the most confusing day in Rocko?

A. Fathers day




Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Rockingham?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[Macca]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost
at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
POUNDS!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from f**kin' skippin', the Irishman said.

[AGIT8D]

What's the best part about rooting a tranny?












Reaching around the front and thinking it's gone all the way thru..

[Muppet_Guy]

Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the aboriginal union is holding a meeting to decide whether to end their 220 year long strike.

Did you hear this one "Kevin Rudd has visited aboriginal communities and they dont know nuffin bout no stolen generators"

[Ryan1080]

The Squirrel and The Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.


Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.


THE END

[xr06t]

haha, not much of a joke though!

shit be the truth!

[Ryan1080]

haha, not much of a joke though!

shit be the truth!

I thought of it more as Australia = joke haha

Pretty accurate though

[Brett_J]

10 bucks said it was written by a right wing liberal voter.

[Brockas]

10 bucks said it was written by a right wing liberal voter.

LOL you're point?

Fkn accurate!

[Passage GT]

so let me get this straight
squirrel is the blue collar worker
grasshopper is the boongs
cats are the bomb chucker ragheads?

[Ryan1080]

Federal Court Ruling from the Western Australian District Court

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Fremantle Dockers team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Shauno]

A mother pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times whilst caught up in a bank robbing incident. miraculously she and the babies are fine although the doctors wont operate to remove the bullets due to the obvious risk. Two girls and a boy are successfully born without a problem until they turned 16.

One week one of the girls suddenly runs in the room in tears- "mum, mum i was urinating and this bullet came out!" the mother calms her down and tells her the story of what happened when she was pregnant.

the next week the other daughter comes in crying. 'oh no mum i was on the toilet and this bullet came out of me!" Again the mother reassures her that everything is ok and tells her the story.

another week later the son runs into the room in tears. "mum! mum!"
the mother says - "its ok you were on the toilet urinating and a bullet came out, its alright- i was was shot when i was pregnant with you." to which the boy replied...

"No mum, i was wanking and i shot the dog!"

[Shauno]

Love your job

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne,Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst
job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma
with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water
is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'; This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose,
which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods
my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears
of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[Shauno]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced;"I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!

[Shauno]

Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a
mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze
their men.... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos heels, and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet
again..
The engaged girlfriend said: 'the other night,
when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4'
stilettos and mask. He said, 'you are the woman of my life, I love
you...then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met
in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, and
mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't
say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I
sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready,
leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband
came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazy boy, grabbed the TV controller
and a beer, and said,
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
Reply With Quote

[Evilteddy]

Lol....

[Mistikal]

Nice, simple, one liner:

What is Welzy's blood-type?

Gravy.

[Shauno]

A lady reported: I was shopping at the local supermarket where I

selected:
• A half-gallon of 2% milk,
• A carton of eggs,
• A quart of orange juice,
• A head of romaine lettuce,
• A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
• A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know
that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly

[Skitzo]

Nice, simple, one liner:

What is Welzy's blood-type?

Gravy.

mmm gravy chips...

[Yarms]

How do you no when you too drunk to drive?

when you swerve to miss a tree and relise its the fuckn air refreshener hangin from rearview mirror...


I lol`d

[ELUSIV]

If you are offended easily dont read the following jokes :)

What do you call an aboriginal abortion clinic ?
Crime Stoppers

Whats black and brown and looks good on a boong ?
A rottweiller

Why do aboriginals smell?
So blind people can hate them too

What do aboriginal women use as vibrators?
Epileptic goanas or a stubbie full of blowflies

(that one made me rofl ^^)

[Yarms]

hahahah

A abo,irishman and a aussie are sentenced to 20 lashes and each get one wish. Abo asks for a pillow to be tied to his back but the pillow bursts after 10 lashes,irishman ask for 2 pillow but bursts after 15 lashes. the whipper then seys to the aussie "since you come froma beautiful country you get 2 wishs" .aussie seys give me 100 lashes.."fuck me " seys the whipper,whats your 2nd wish ?..aussie seys " tie that fucking abo pingpingpingping to my back"

[ben351]

Guy goes to the doctors for a check up and gets called into teh room

nurse goes to him

im affraid your going to have to stop masterbating

guy goes why is that

she goes cos im trying to examine you

LOL

[ttomred4000]

dont know if these have been said :S


whats the worst thing about fuckng a bald pussy?

putting the diaper back on.


whats the best thing about having sex with a 6 year old girl?

turn it over and its a 6 year old boy.



Whats the difference between a boong and a park bench?

a park bench can support a family

[Halle Terry]

whats pink and squeels

skinned baby in a bag of salt

[Evilteddy]

Hope nobody finds this offensive...

How did Batman defeat the Joker?

With a handful of sleeping pills...

[bdup888]

not really a joke but funny...

sorry if its a re-post

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of
the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home.I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but
ton. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, 'don't do it dips**t,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .
. . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Ja50n]

Richmond Football Club have reported there was only one player to wake up witn a sore head after the 100 year centenary piss up!








A: Graeme Polak

[Brockas]

Few decent one liners:

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you barstard!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they piss off and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big frigging big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's bloody hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Piss off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[Anahera]

fukn rofl Brockas

[Ja50n]

Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.


'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my Ute and
is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'... You there Boss?

[Skitzo]

what do peadophiles use for lube?



little boys tears.

[Supra_boi]

rofllllll at the last one!!! tears of laughter

[Macca]

A woman walks into the Frankston Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames!'

[Wuked]

^^ haha rolf

[Ja50n]

How do you make a toddler cry twice?

Fuck it in the ass and wipe ya cock on it's teddy bear.
________________________________________

What's 10m long and smells like piss?

Line dancing at the retirement village.

[adrenalin]

OFFENSIVE JEWISH JOKES !


Whats the difference between a meat pie and a jew ?
A meat pie doesnt scream when you put it in the oven


How do you fit 100 jews in a car ?
5 in the seats and 95 in the ash tray.

Why do jews have big noses ?
Cause air is free

[ReaperSS]

Whats the difference between a jew and santa?

Santa goes down the chimney

[Ja50n]

What do Jew's hate that's yellow and climbs walls?

Gas Pipes.

[jr]

Why did hitler top himself?

Cause he got the gas bill

[jr]

what's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

[mys1]

Fuck you pingpingpingpings are rude

[jr]

Why are women like clouds?

cause one day they f*ck off and its a nice day

[Ja50n]

Fuck you pingpingpingpings are rude

It's 'FUCKING INCREDIBLY RUDE'

[mys1]

Lol, Nice signiature... TJ logz FTW!

[Ja50n]

What does Heath Ledger and a RB20DET have in common?

Once they start pinging, it's not long til they're dead!

[Ja50n]

Why did the dyslexic gardener cry?

Because he heard his Leaf Hedger had died!

[Niva]

whats the diff between pink and purple..

the grip

[Macca]

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SH*T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal a*seholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w*nker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all F*cking idiots

[ben351]

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.

What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?
A B*g Mac.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

How do you make a man pregnant?
Stick a dead baby up his ass!

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.

What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple?
You don't have to bleed the golden delicious apple before you take a bite out of it

What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.

What's worse than a having sex with a dead baby?
Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades.

Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ?
To see the expression on it face!

What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach?
Sandy.

Why did the baby fall off the swing?
Because it had no arms or legs.

What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

How many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
4 1/2.

What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.

What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage patch kids.

[Gleeso]

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.

What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?
A B*g Mac.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

How do you make a man pregnant?
Stick a dead baby up his ass!

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.

What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple?
You don't have to bleed the golden delicious apple before you take a bite out of it

What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.

What's worse than a having sex with a dead baby?
Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades.

Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ?
To see the expression on it face!

What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach?
Sandy.

Why did the baby fall off the swing?
Because it had no arms or legs.

What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

How many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
4 1/2.

What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.

What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage patch kids.

Those are the sickest jokes ive heard..but to be honest i hadnt laughed so hard in my life!!!!...they were fukn hilarious esp the dead baby drowning one hahahaha

[adrenalin]

Whats more fun then swinging a dead baby around on the clothes line ?
stopping it with a shovel ?

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porsche ?
I dont have a porsche in my garage

Whats the best thing about having sex with a 14 year old?
watching her break down and cry on the witness stand

[ELUSIV]

Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You cant unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork

How do you get a baby into a jug?
Use a blender

How do you get a baby out of a jug?
Doritos

Whats goes round and round and taps on glass?
Baby in a microwave

[ben351]

Whats goes round and round and taps on glass?
Baby in a microwave

how long does it take to cook ?

i dunno im too busy masterbating to count :D

[ELUSIV]

how long does it take to cook ?

i dunno im too busy masterbating to count :D

what does it taste like when its cooked?

burnt jizz

yeh i'll leave the funny stuff to you ben :P

[Macca]

An elephant asks a camel: 'Why are your breasts on your back?'


Well' says the camel, 'I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face'

[Smoked]

An elephant asks a camel: 'Why are your breasts on your back?'


Well' says the camel, 'I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face'

f%$king LOL

[Macca]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas
tank'?

The bee answered,






Wait for it....wait for it..............







BP

[Passage GT]

what's the most confusing day in rockingham?

father's day...

[Macca]

The old couple prepares to go to bed.

They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart Rugby.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion 7-all'.

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Penalty 10 points to 7.'

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, 'Penalty 10-all.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,' Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.

Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and then s@@ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was That?'



The old man says, 'Half time, change sides.'

[Macca]

52 things you would love to say out loud at work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today; I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture; I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

[MirKz]

How do u make an aboriginal pregnant ?

Whack off onto a rock and let flies do the rest.


Why do aboriginal women eat watermelon with their pants down ?

To keep the flies away from the watermelon.

How many black people do u see in The Jetsons ?

None. Future's looking pretty fkn good ay ?

I had a wank over my ex girlfriend last night...
I know it's wrong but I still have the key, and she's a heavy sleeper.

[Macca]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take d ebate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke hi s leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angles, U. C. L. A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

[Macca]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Macca]

Parking Spaces

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

#################################################

Great Theft

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.



#################################################


Customer Service

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.

[jagerbomb]

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Bunnings Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.



Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works:



Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.



When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th.



Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Red Dot has wallets on sale $15.99 each

[Macca]

An old man was in a nursing home and after being there for some time met an old lady. The two used to sit on the bench outside the home every lunchtime and talk.

After a few weeks he said to her, "You know, years ago when my wife was alive, we used to just sit on a quiet bench and she'd put her hand down my pants and just hold my old fella".

The old lady was a bit taken aback at first but after a few days warmed to the idea.

And so it went on for weeks. Every lunchtime they would sit on the bench with her hand down his pants holding his "old fella".

One day the old man didn't turn up and the old lady was worried. She searched the nursing home and eventually found him sitting in the corner of the recreation room, WITH ANOTHER OLD LADY"S HAND DOWN HIS PANTS.

"You two timing old bastard!" she sreamed "How dare you do this to me. What's that woman got that I haven't got!"

The old man just looked at her, grinned and said "Parkinsons"

[harlot]

Cathy Freeman goes running into her doctors office and is running around in circles constantly. The doctor comes running out yelling:
"Cathy whate the hell is wrong with you?"
"Doctor I dont' know I can't stop running I woke up this morning and it won't stop, make it stop!" Cathy cries.
The Doc grabs Cathy's arm and pulls her into a chair but her legs are still running.
"Cathy what have you taken?"
"Nothing Doctor!"
The Doc goes back into his rooms and comes out with a white powder. He lines up a big rail and says: "snort it"
Cathy looks at the Doctor is shock but does it anyway. Suddenly the running stops and Cathy's legs sit still.
"Doc, that's a mriacle. What was that?"
Doctor: "Omo. Stops all colours running"




*hides* hehehe

[harlot]

Three ladies are sitting at an Obstetric Ward and the brunette lady turns to the redheaded lady and says "Mine is going to be a boy because when my husband and I made love he was on top".
The redhead smiles and says "That means I'm havign a girl because when my husband and I made love I was on top"
The blonde starts crying and the other two ask what is wrong.
The blonde screams "I'm having puppies!!!!!!!"

[Ryan1080]

THE RECTUM STRETCHER



While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

‘I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?’

‘A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'


Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the cop's Face.......
PRICELESS!

[Wuked]

THE RECTUM STRETCHER



While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

‘I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?’

‘A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'


Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the cop's Face.......
PRICELESS!


bhahahaha

[Macca]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees It filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three Tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

"First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

"Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grab s the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body....

'OK", he says. "Now, where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[jr]

What's the difference betweem Jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a chicks ass!

[Macca]

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.

At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!

Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend,

'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

[Evilteddy]

Man and wife goto a marriage help session...

Therapist asks the wife what the problem is.
Wife says "He suffers from pre-mature ejaculation!"

The therapist asks the man about the problem
The man replies "She's the one that suffers..."

[Macca]

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: 'Your Honour. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.

The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense?

The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose. 'Your Honour. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. Whose Pepsi is it .. The machine's or mine ???

[adrenalin]

RACIST JOKES WARNING

What do you call a little mexican?
A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay

What do you call a building full of mexicans
Jail

A mexican and a abo are riding in car . . who's driving?
A cop!

What's the difference between a large pizza and a abo?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

What would Martin Luther King, Jr be if he was white?
Alive!

[Macca]

A bloke goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Macca]

RETIREMENT BONUS



The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

[Macca]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d#ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I could save you a grand here....."

[bLaM]

ahahah gold!! nice one

[Macca]

Soldiers

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f *** ing truck hit us.'

[smellyhippy]

Fucking LOL

[Shauno]

just got a message from my uncle
"the wifes not speaking to me cause i wouldnt open the car door for her...its not my fault...i just panicked and swam to the surface"

haha

[Macca]

An aboriginal came home from school and told his mum "i have the biggest cock in grade 3, is that because i am black" "no you fuckwit its because you are 19"

[GT-Ar]

I hope these jokes havent been posted on this thread before, but here goes anyway..

Q:Whats the difference between an aboriginal and a bucket of shit?

A:The bucket

Q: Whats the difference between an aboriginal and a park bench?

A: A park bench can support a family

Q: Whats long black and smelly?

A: The line outside Centerlink

lol, this ones quite horrible (probably not a joke even) but i'll say it anyway..

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?

A: Wipe your dick on its teddy

[oranges]

lol, this ones quite horrible (probably not a joke even) but i'll say it anyway..

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?

A: Wipe your dick on its teddy

if thats not a joke, i hope you have a too low a sperm count to father a kid lol!

[Macca]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[Dagon]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[adrenalin]

Whats the difference between marmalade and jam ???
You cant marmalade your dick up your girlfriends ass.

[magic1]

An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

[magic1]

just in case you missed it


An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

[Cooper]

Why dont women get thier licences?


Because there are no roads going from the laundry to the kitchen.

What have you done wrong if your wifes nagging you in the living room?


You have made the chain too long!


Why dont women wear watches?


Coz theres a clock on the oven.


=] Just a luagh

[hoony]

Q: Whats long black and smelly?

A: The line outside Centerlink

F*CKING ROFL!

saying it out loud just sounds funny even

[adrenalin]

What do you do if your dishwasher stops?
Slap her

[Macca]

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than
it does today ??

We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.



Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.




The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ .



The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'




Mum fainted!

[Passage GT]

LOL!
that's a fucking good one

[PIGSTi]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.



What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
Waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
You done wrong?
Made her chain too long



How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
Closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
The front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
By 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[[FFOUR]]

Difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

---------------

What's the worst thing about fucking a three year old?
Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

--------------

Whats the worst thing about licking a bald pussy?
Putting the Nappy back on

---------------

A young girl and her mother are watching TV when a rather steamy sex scene comes on.
"what are they doing mummy?"
"umm, They're making cakes dear"

The next day they are at the zoo and the monkeys are having sex.
"what are they doing Mummy?'
"their making cakes"

A week goes by and the girl walks up to her mother.
"were you and daddy making cakes last night in the lounge room"
"errr, how did you know?
"I licked the icing off the sofa"

---------------

Little girl goes into her mothers room and sees her dressing, points at her boobs and asks, "What's those?"
"They're breasts"
"When do I get those?"
"When you much older"

She walks into the bath room and sees her dad taking a piss, points at his dick and asks "What's that?"
"Thats a cock"
"When do I get one of those?"
"When your mother goes to Bingo!"

[Cochee]

^ You sir are going to hell.

[darknes15]

LOL this threads the shit...

[schnoods]

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?



The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

[Evilteddy]

A little boy and his Dad are in the bath
The young lad says "Daddy, why does your wee wee look different to mine?"

Dad replies "Well for starters, mine is erect."

[Ph03NiX]

lol ^^ thats just wrong

[mitchy]

i wouldn't expect any less from glen, haha.

[Ph03NiX]

All in all 99000 people are making love right now, 22000 are kissing, 11000 are getting oral and one sad wanker is reading this.....! You hang in there friend!!

[Niva]

Kid asks his dad whats the difference between theoretically and realistically, dad says thats a hard one but I have an idea..
ask mum if she would sleep with the milk man for 1 million, mum says yes.
dad says now ask your sisters if she would sleep with the mail boy for 2 million, sister says yes.
well theres you go son thats your answer... theoretically we are sitting on 3 mil, realisicaly were living with 2 sluts

[Wuked]

Kid asks his dad whats the difference between theoretically and realistically, dad says thats a hard one but I have an idea..
ask mum if she would sleep with the milk man for 1 million, mum says yes.
dad says now ask your sisters if she would sleep with the mail boy for 2 million, sister says yes.
well theres you go son thats your answer... theoretically we are sitting on 3 mil, realisicaly were living with 2 sluts

hahahaha, using that one tomorrow

[Tocchi]

"there is hot sex, fast sex, oral sex, anal sex, fruit sex, safe sex, leather sex, phone sex, group sex, and kinky sex ... and for people with a face like yours there's wanking"

[Macca]

A bogan walked into the centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard
for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her s#xual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Centerlink worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.'

[Macca]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be an open bar and plenty of food. We'll have a small band playing traditional carols, do feel free to sing along. Don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only for employees, no partners! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.


Merry Christmas to you & your family.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides w/Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you & your family.
Patty




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm of course happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only" then you wouldn't be anonymous anymore! How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little scabby.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit w/each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***king Employees
DATE: December 05, 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Look, vegetarian pricks I've about had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk & die,
The b**ch from HELL!!!




FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis & Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party & give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Much easier!

Happy Holidays!

[Macca]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/ fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'

[Macca]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the toilet.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the range Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the toilet and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!!'

[Gleeso]

Got these in an email:

Tommy asks his friend: "So what did you get for Christmas?"
His friends replies: "I got a bike, a go kart, a quadbike, an xbox 360 with 30 games,
a PlayStation 3 with 30 games, an electric guitar, a drum kit, a new PC, a laptop,
a surround sound entertainment centre, a new watch, loads of clothes, loads of sweets,
a holiday around the world, and loads more!"

To which Tommy replies: "Aww, I wish I had leukemia"


.................................................. ......................................


What do you do after raping a deaf six year old?

Cut off her fingers so she cant tell her dad....


.................................................. .................................................. ..


A little girl goes up to her mum in the shower and asks, "What's that?" and the mum answers, "A VAGINA."
The little girl asks, "When am I gonna get one?" and the mum answers, "As soon as you grow up."
Later the little girl goes up to her dad in the shower and asks, "What's that?" and the dad answers, "A PENIS."
So the little girl asks, "When am I gonna get one?"
and the the dad replies, "As soon as your mum goes to work."


.................................................. ...................................


Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?






Because black people have no rights.


.................................................. ...........................


An Abo and a Muslim are in a car. Who's driving?











The police


.................................................. ........


What's black and white and very hungry?






Heath Ledger's cat.

[Gonzola]

Got these in an email:

What do you do after raping a deaf six year old?

Cut off her fingers so she cant tell her dad....




I don't post much but that's way too funny not to... Using that at work tomorrow (not to people with young kids)

I must be fucked up hahahaha

[Macca]

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.

I like monkeys.

[Evilteddy]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says 'Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

[Macca]

Coon Poem


I cross desert, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more,
We send cash right to your door'

Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
Medicare it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, Australian Dummy.

Write to friends in arnemland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in holdens and Ford trucks,
I rent big house with homeswest bucks

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white bloke moves away,
Now I squat at his house, and then I say,
'Find more coons for house to trash.'
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby? it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Australian crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think Australia 'darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Arnemland.

[Macca]

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you
sell for the church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

[STEALTH]

a tasmanian was fucking his sister, a few minutes later the sister started laughing, the brother asked "whats so funny" his sister replied "you fuck like dad" the brother laughed and replied "thats what mum said"

[CyberNetiC]

http://www.alaska.net/~clund/e_djublonskopf/Flatearthsociety.htm

[Ryan1080]

Story About Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair
all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named
her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us
know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she

stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the
dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and
now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[Kilma]

http://www.lifeonperth.com/scarboroughbeach.htm

Read the last paragraph in black about Subaru owners.

[1JZNOSHIT]

One Kiwi to another....

"Hey bro, whats a Hindu?"


"it lays eggs, bro."

[Passage GT]

^^^ lol i heard that so long ago but still makes me laugh everytime i hear it

kiwi bloke is working in a shearing shed, halfway through the day he sneaks of to the corner with a sheep and starts cuddling and fondling it
aussie shearer see's him and yells out 'oi, you gonna shear that sheep or what?'
kiwi replies 'fuck of i aint gonna shear her with anyone!'

[Phil24]

http://www.lifeonperth.com/scarboroughbeach.htm

Read the last paragraph in black about Subaru owners.

WTF?? Random

[Deke]

Kid asks his dad whats the difference between theoretically and realistically, dad says thats a hard one but I have an idea..
ask mum if she would sleep with the milk man for 1 million, mum says yes.
dad says now ask your sisters if she would sleep with the mail boy for 2 million, sister says yes.
well theres you go son thats your answer... theoretically we are sitting on 3 mil, realisicaly were living with 2 sluts


i heard a diffrent version?

Theres a family and one of the sons asks the dad Whats the diffrence between reality and potentail?
Well son go ask your mum if she would sleep with the mild man for 1 mill? she said yes
Go ask your sister if she would sleep with the milk man for 1 mill? she said yes
Go ask your brother if he would sleep with the milk man for 1 mill? so he does and he said yes.
So son we have the potentail of making 3 million but in reality we live with 2 sluts and a poof

[Evilteddy]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nutri-grain

Read it carefully.

[Alt_F4]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nutri-grain

Read it carefully.

ROR!