Jokes thread

[Evilteddy]

<Typical racist Australian>
You know why the Tsunami in Japan went so far inland?
Water always picks up speed when it's running down slopes.
</Typical racist Australian>

[Tre-Cool]

rofl!!!

[Dazwaaah]

my japanese girlfriend dumped me....

thats alright there's plenty more in the sea...



how do you spot a japanese hooker??

she's the one in the fish nets

[Simon]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.



"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

[waxdass]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three
more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .........
Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de
odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we
promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are
finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to
laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me, ....................

I've quit drinking!"

[sutt0nk1]

a farmer had a cow that simply shat like nobodies business and the farmer had gotten sick of it. He called a vet and the vet suggested putting a cork in the cows arse to try and contain things and slow the process. The farmer did this and as time went on, he got a bit concerned as the cow was getting somewhat big. So he called the vet over again and asked what he should do. The vet said that the only thing that could be done is to remove the cork and let things out.

They both looked at each other as to who would pull out the cork and neither was going to volunteer, so the vet suggested that the farmer get a monkey and train it to pull out the cork. The farmer did this and then came the day for the monkey to carry out the deed. Not long after, the vet arrived to see how things had gone and called the emergency services as there was a sea of shyte everywhere and no farmer to be seen.

The emergency services had to wade through piles of shyte and finally got the the farmer who was neck deep in it, laughing his head off. The emergency services couldn't understand what was going on and dragged the farmer out, thinking he'd gone mad. once things settled, they tried to find out why the farmer was so happy nearly drowning in crap. Finally the farmer regained enough composure and explained how he'd trained the monkey and when ready, pointed the monkey to the cow. The monkey took off and pulled out the cork and shyte exploded everywhere. Once again the farmer broke into uncontrolled laughter.

After some time, he settled down again and the emergency services still couldn't understand the funny part. At the point of breaking down again, the farmer managed to blurt out: 'After the monkey pulled out the cork, you should have seen him try to put it back in.'

[Mad_Aussie]

This is probably the best spot for this:
'If you were to date Taylor Swift'

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/gn3vx/dating_taylor_swift/c1ouwqj


[–]Roflmoo 73 points 8 hours ago

If I dated Taylor Swift, I'd put nicotine patches laced with heroin and meth on her ass every night we slept together. Every time she woke up, she'd feel like everything was perfect in the world. Slowly, I'd raise the dosage. I'd be sure that I only put them on when she was fully asleep, and then take them off before she could wake up, disposing of them in secret. Finally, when she decided she'd gathered enough material for a new song, she'd break up with me, only to immediately suffer tremendous withdrawals from something she never knew she had an addiction to. She's assume that, contrary to what she thought, she really DID like me, and the feeling is that of a broken heart, not addiction. When she came to beg for me to take her back, I'd play hard-to-get, until one day, when her withdrawals were peaking, I'd accept her again. I'd continue the ritual of dosing her until she associated leaving me/making me unhappy with the feeling of withdrawal. I fuck her whenever I want, live in luxury, and do nothing unless I want to. Over time, the signs of hard drug use would become obvious to the paparazzi, and the rumors would get back to her that she was using. Everyone would think she was lying, but she would "know" that she'd never done any drugs before. She would slowly lose everything and everyone she loves, except for me, the only thing in her life that seems to give her any happiness. As her career dies and her body falls apart, I'd shift her doses up and down, wildly, causing her highs and lows (no pun intended) that would make any remaining fans question her sanity. In the end, I'd leave her, her outside as ugly and malformed as her inside. I'd write a very poetic letter telling her I was leaving, and allude to the negative karma she caused in her spiteful breakup songs coming back to destroy her. She would later die alone in a gutter, cursing herself for being such a horrible person, spending all of her time trying to look good on the outside, whilst being a hateful, spoiled pingpingpingping on the inside.

[Move Ya Hoopdee]

A black man goes for a job at sea , the Captain says have you had any experience away at sea ? No,the black man says but I,m honest! The Captain takes him on and off they sail . After 3 weeks at sea the black man is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the boughs and sweeps him overboard,the 1st mate goes running to the captain, you know the black guy we took on, the one who said he was honest ? well he,s just pissed off with your mop!

[AGIT8D]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...






"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

[ReaperSS]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan . He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

[ReaperSS]

An aboriginal guy was trying to pick the lock on my car boot the other day. I told him "You behave yourself pingpingpingping, you're in there for a reason!"

[Ryan1080]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai
Would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone.. "Morning." I said.
"No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.


Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."


I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it
more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will only be printed in English.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[Anahera]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.



"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[Crammit]

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

[Chrono90]

Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.

[Crimson]

What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?

Having to sit at the back of the oven.

[Evilteddy]

I guess the touch wood theory didn't work for Jesus.

Why did got invent a yeast infection?
So women know what it's like to live with an annoying pingpingpingping.

Why are only 10% of women allowed in heaven?
If there was anymore it would be hell.

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
Pretty good.

[j3rk]

MORAL DILEMMA




This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION:

You are in Queensland, Rockhampton to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding; a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...

Somehow, the woman looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is...... It's Julia Gillard!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options:
1. You can save her life; or
2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the country's most powerful woman!



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you:

a) select high contrast colour film, or
b) Would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[AGIT8D]

LOL!

[P100_Ute]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

------------------------------------

One day I came home to find my wife packing her bags. i asked her wtf is going on? She said shes leaving me for a place where she gets paid $300 everytime she has sex with someone.

Upon hearing this i started packing also.. she asked me what i was doing. I replied.. to see where you live for $600 a year.

[Evilteddy]

Joe approved...

What is the difference between Norwegians and Jews?
Some Norwegians are returning from camps

[Yakky Bear]

lol obviously got that message from gerrin too?

[Evilteddy]

No, i sent it to him.

[Macca]

some may be reposts but meh

A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar * e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground..
As he's sh * gging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....
This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh * t."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w @ nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[Macca]

My new abo neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey bro, what’s going down?” I said, “The value of my fucking house you black prick!”



One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!”
__________________________________________________ __

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn you clock back!”
__________________________________________________ __

Pauline Hanson called a pest controller to her fish and chip shop to get rid of a plague of rats. After speaking to her, he pulled out a flute and started to play. The rats followed him down to the river and drowned.. “That’s fucking brilliant!” said Pauline, “Can you play the didgeridoo?”

Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
__________________________________________________ __

Not half bad. Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard!
__________________________________________________ __

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
__________________________________________________ __

A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
__________________________________________________ __

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
__________________________________________________ __


Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __

What do you call 1000 abo's in a fast flowing river?
Black current.

What’s the difference between a black man and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.

Why are aspirins white? Because they work.

How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.

What do you call an abo with a stutter? Cocoon.
_____________________ _______________________________

My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
__________________________________________________ __

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
__________________________________________________ __

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
__________________________________________________ _
When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child…. Obviously none of them have ever seen an abo being run down by a road train.

[XF Falcon]

LOL some pearlers there man

[Stealthed]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...







"OK, I give up. Where's the f*^in' ship?"

[magic1]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started......

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started

[hostage_85]

Just got this in an email :P


John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit

[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model.
Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low
maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid
of him --biggest mistake I've ever made...

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake...

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a
lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen
again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and
it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't
deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse...

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always
lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the
road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in
all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a government that's wasteful,
expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've
heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

[Ryan1080]

Haha, fkn gold that one!

[viet_boi]

A teacher asked one of her students "Why did you bring your cat to school today?"

The crying kid responds "Because I heard my dad say to mum that he's going to eat that pussy once the kids leave for school"

[Macca]

Took my dog down to centrelink the other day to see what he was entitled to, the bloke behind the counter said "we dont give benefits to dogs mate" i said "why not?' he's black, he fuckin stinks, he's never worked a day in his life and he cant speak english. the bloke says "point taken mate, his first payment will be next monday"

[Macca]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, plus all his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
“Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
You're entitled to
Sweet f*** all, just like the rest of us”.

[Evilteddy]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hmm, never mind. It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

[Ryan1080]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident...

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

[lee3671987]

Where do Indians go for shopping?
Red dot

Whats the difference between woman and a fridge?
Fridge doesnt fart when you take your meat out

[VRX]

Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire & rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, an Irish rugby player, jump & i'll catch ya. A girl jumps out & Paddy catches her, a guy jumps & Paddy gets him 2. Then a black guy jumps & Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, Come on folks,dont fuck about there's no point throwin down the burnt ones.

[ForgedV6]

Not a joke but a funny story.

Woman at work just bought a second Hyundai Getz. Has a pink Playboy sticker on the rear window that she hasn't removed yet. Shes english, is her 50's, extremely quiet, never swears, timid, shy person. She is one of the nicest people Ive ever met and gave me a lift home last week.

Some punk P'plater kid pulled up along side us at the lights and said "Your supposed to be a hot chick to have a Playboy sticker" Before i could open my mouth she shouted "Your no fucking Brad Pit ya little shit!". The look on his face was priceless! She spent the next 5 minutes apologizing for swearing hahaha.

[Dirty Deuce]

what did one tampon say to the other? nothing.. theyr both stuck up pingpingpingpings.

what do you get if you cross michael jackson and arnold swartzneger... michael wasanigger.

[Dirty Deuce]

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

[Georgina]

A young guy asks his nan to wash his jeans, and shortly after he realises that he left some "special tablets" in his pocket.
He panics and runs to his nan and says "Nan did you find the tablets I left in my pocket?"
Nan- "Never mind the fucking tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!?!"

[JNR man]

Got a message from a mate today with some bad news his Thai wife has breast cancer but thats not the bad news
They think that it may have spread to her Testicles.......

[ELUSIV]

Glen will like this.

Joseph Kony. Putting the infant back in infantry.

[Mad_Aussie]

A woman goes to the doctor with bruises on her face. Doctor asks what happened? The woman says Doctor I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around. The doc says I have a real good cure for that, when your husband comes home drunk take a glass of water and swish it around in your mouth. Just swish & swish until he goes to bed and is asleep. 2 weeks later the woman returns looking fresh and reborn. The woman says doctor that was brilliant every time my husband came home drunk I swished and swished and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that? The doc replies the water does **** all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...

[tinto]

Emails from an asshole.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php

[TJ]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position...still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?' 'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[Brett Allan]

Pommy one liners;

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Personal favorite;

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

[-Luke-]

Puntastic:

Subject: Puns to make you cringe.....

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished.
Now the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh dear!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fau

[Chivalry]

http://www.cracked.com/blog/greatest-note-ever-left-dented-car/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage

[Yakky Bear]

What do you call a greek rolling down a hill?

condescending.

[Evilteddy]

Why did Sarah fall out of the swing?

Sarah had no arms...

Knock knock?
"Whose there?"

NOT SARAH!

[Gonzola]

What's ze difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Phelps can finish a whole race.

-------------------------------------------------------------

What sort of file can make a 1/2 inch hole into a 2-1/2 inch hole?


A pedo-file.

[Yakky Bear]

Why do asians have squinty eyes?

Atomic bombs are pretty bright.

[disc0-dan]

Whats one thing we havnt learnt from the election of Barack Obama ?

No matter how rich and powerful a black person becomes they still live in government housing.

[maximus]

So I've got this mate, called Shane. His temper is as fiery as his red hair, so as a young man getting his first car, he got a Datsun 510 and customized the living hell out of it.
This thing went like the very clappers; it didn't just squeal, it smoked as well. But it had one slight problem. The 4 wheel drive gearbox was kinda temperamental, and every so often when he cornered at high speed he'd strip out a cog. Well this wasn't a problem after the first couple of times, he learned how to replace it himself, and would spend $20 bucks on a new cog and make a fun weekend of it. And as the years progressed, Datsun became Nissan, so every few months he'd trek down to the Nissan dealer and get another cog.

But then disaster struck in the mid 90's.

The Nissan dealer informed Shane that this was the last cog from his stockpile. In fact, it was the last Datsun 510 gearbox cog in the whole country. There were no more to be found. If he wanted another one, he'd have to order it from Japan. Shane went home in a thoughtful mood. He did some research. Since back in the 90's there were no internets, he had to do it through lengthy international phone calls. He soon concluded it was going to be almost impossible to do without speaking Japanese. He drove more carefully. He studied the Japanese language. Eventually he was confident enough in his skills that he was able to discuss his coggy needs with a dealer in Nippon. The news was disheartening. He'd have to pay order fees. Japanese sales tax. Shipping. Transshipping. Excise. Customs. Docking fees. The cost of getting a cog was almost 1000 times the cost of the cog its self. An idea formed. Steve had some leave coming up. If he went to Japan, he could just BUY a crate of cogs and bring them home himself. He told the dealer to order the cogs, and then booked a ticket.

However when he got to the land of the rising sun, Shane's problems became heightened. He'd learned the language only in the context of cars and their parts. When it came to normal conversation, he was next to useless. After much inadvertent crazy gaijin drama, he finally made his way to the dealership in Tokyo where he had ordered the cogs. There he discovered that the dealer had thought it was a Japanese schoolboy playing a prank. He had not ordered a crate of Datsun 510 cogs, and in fact didn't have any in stock. He suggested Shane go to the cog factory in Yokohama and purchase direct. No he didn't have the address good day and get out of my showroom you crazy foreigner.
Shane was heartbroken. He made his way to Yokohama, where he immediately got completely lost. After a week o stumbling through factories belonging to Mitsubishi, Isuzu and Yamaha, he finally found the Nissan factory. In his broken Japanese he explained his problem.

The receptionist called the factory floor.

The factory floor called engineering.

Engineering finally called performance racing. The then head of Nissan performance racing might have been paid to work on skylines, but his first and greatest love, the reason why he went for automotive engineering, was the Datsun 510 4WD rally car. So Shane and the engineering team got to talking, in the special language of car enthusiasts which transcends petty things like nationalities and race. Shane spent the rest of his vacation with the Nissan performance team, and on his way home, they gifted him with an entire crate of cogs. Shane slid happily into his aircraft seat, and went to sleep in the knowledge that he now had a near inexhaustible supply of Datsun cogs for his beloved car.

But alas, it was not to be.

As the plane flew over northern Queensland, first one, then two engines failed. In a desperate, and successful attempt to get his passengers to safety, the pilot jettisoned the cargo section of the aircraft.

And on a lonely Queensland cattle farm, a blue healer was about to meet its destiny, in the form of precision Nissan engineering.

Dave and Bruce were getting ready for another hard day of watching cows get fat eating grass when the sound of a very low flying, struggling aircraft approached. They ran out of their shed, with Bruce's dog leading the way, barking angrily at the aerial intruder. With the crack of explosive bolts, the jetliner's cargo hold split open disgorging its contents in a shower of clothing and broken suitcases. But one missile was not so soft, and with unnerving accuracy the crate full of gearbox parts described a beautiful parabolic arc, landing squarely on the healer before bursting apart, showering the two drovers in a hail of metal and dog bits.

"Holy smokes!" exclaimed Bruce. "What happened to me dog?"

Bruce looked at the metal chunk lodged in his hat. It reminded him of a particularly easily broken part in his paddock basher, a reliable but rusty old 510 with all the windows put out.

"Well as a guess Bruce mate," began Dave, "it looks to me like it's raining Datsun Cogs."

________
Those 5 minutes of your life are non-refundable I'm afraid

[flamo_damo]

Those 5 minutes of your life are non-refundable I'm afraid

FML :(

[Ryan1080]

^^ Where's the punchline? Joke's not long enough...

[Sully]

datsun cogs
cats and dogs.

haha

[sutt0nk1]

theres an old bloke walking down the foot path dragging one foot behind him from injury, just up ahead of him theres another bloke wlaking towards him also dragging his foot. about 5 mins go past and they both meet up in the middle, the old boy leans in and says vietanm 1964, the other bloke points over his shoulder and says dog shit 100 meters.

[Damo 69]

So I've got this mate, called Shane. His temper is as fiery as his red hair, so as a young man getting his first car, he got a Datsun 510 and customized the living hell out of it.
This thing went like the very clappers; it didn't just squeal, it smoked as well. But it had one slight problem. The 4 wheel drive gearbox was kinda temperamental, and every so often when he cornered at high speed he'd strip out a cog. Well this wasn't a problem after the first couple of times, he learned how to replace it himself, and would spend $20 bucks on a new cog and make a fun weekend of it. And as the years progressed, Datsun became Nissan, so every few months he'd trek down to the Nissan dealer and get another cog.

But then disaster struck in the mid 90's.

The Nissan dealer informed Shane that this was the last cog from his stockpile. In fact, it was the last Datsun 510 gearbox cog in the whole country. There were no more to be found. If he wanted another one, he'd have to order it from Japan. Shane went home in a thoughtful mood. He did some research. Since back in the 90's there were no internets, he had to do it through lengthy international phone calls. He soon concluded it was going to be almost impossible to do without speaking Japanese. He drove more carefully. He studied the Japanese language. Eventually he was confident enough in his skills that he was able to discuss his coggy needs with a dealer in Nippon. The news was disheartening. He'd have to pay order fees. Japanese sales tax. Shipping. Transshipping. Excise. Customs. Docking fees. The cost of getting a cog was almost 1000 times the cost of the cog its self. An idea formed. Steve had some leave coming up. If he went to Japan, he could just BUY a crate of cogs and bring them home himself. He told the dealer to order the cogs, and then booked a ticket.

However when he got to the land of the rising sun, Shane's problems became heightened. He'd learned the language only in the context of cars and their parts. When it came to normal conversation, he was next to useless. After much inadvertent crazy gaijin drama, he finally made his way to the dealership in Tokyo where he had ordered the cogs. There he discovered that the dealer had thought it was a Japanese schoolboy playing a prank. He had not ordered a crate of Datsun 510 cogs, and in fact didn't have any in stock. He suggested Shane go to the cog factory in Yokohama and purchase direct. No he didn't have the address good day and get out of my showroom you crazy foreigner.
Shane was heartbroken. He made his way to Yokohama, where he immediately got completely lost. After a week o stumbling through factories belonging to Mitsubishi, Isuzu and Yamaha, he finally found the Nissan factory. In his broken Japanese he explained his problem.

The receptionist called the factory floor.

The factory floor called engineering.

Engineering finally called performance racing. The then head of Nissan performance racing might have been paid to work on skylines, but his first and greatest love, the reason why he went for automotive engineering, was the Datsun 510 4WD rally car. So Shane and the engineering team got to talking, in the special language of car enthusiasts which transcends petty things like nationalities and race. Shane spent the rest of his vacation with the Nissan performance team, and on his way home, they gifted him with an entire crate of cogs. Shane slid happily into his aircraft seat, and went to sleep in the knowledge that he now had a near inexhaustible supply of Datsun cogs for his beloved car.

But alas, it was not to be.

As the plane flew over northern Queensland, first one, then two engines failed. In a desperate, and successful attempt to get his passengers to safety, the pilot jettisoned the cargo section of the aircraft.

And on a lonely Queensland cattle farm, a blue healer was about to meet its destiny, in the form of precision Nissan engineering.

Dave and Bruce were getting ready for another hard day of watching cows get fat eating grass when the sound of a very low flying, struggling aircraft approached. They ran out of their shed, with Bruce's dog leading the way, barking angrily at the aerial intruder. With the crack of explosive bolts, the jetliner's cargo hold split open disgorging its contents in a shower of clothing and broken suitcases. But one missile was not so soft, and with unnerving accuracy the crate full of gearbox parts described a beautiful parabolic arc, landing squarely on the healer before bursting apart, showering the two drovers in a hail of metal and dog bits.

"Holy smokes!" exclaimed Bruce. "What happened to me dog?"

Bruce looked at the metal chunk lodged in his hat. It reminded him of a particularly easily broken part in his paddock basher, a reliable but rusty old 510 with all the windows put out.

"Well as a guess Bruce mate," began Dave, "it looks to me like it's raining Datsun Cogs."

________
Those 5 minutes of your life are non-refundable I'm afraid

fuck me man, all that reading for a fucking pingpingpingpings and dogs joke pingpingpingping

[newbie101]

Should children witness child birth?
Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, Heidi, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place......smack him again!'

[V70R]

How do you catch black rats?

.. with Coon cheese.

[pgc]

A man goes into a Japanese restaurant.

After being served his meal, he says to the Japanese waiter, "Excuse me, but this chicken is rubbery," to which the waiter says, "Why, thank you."

[ELUSIV]

Glen will like these and i'll see the rest of you carnts in hell :)

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair


Why did they invent glow in the dark condoms?

So gay guys could have light sabre fights.


So a rabbi and a catholic priest are walking down the street and young boy walks past then. The priest gets a lecherous smile and says to the rabbi, "Hey, let's screw that kid." The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"


I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."


What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a Hooker?

The look on their face when they are getting nailed.


My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"


Whats the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Going in to ask for a coathanger.

What did Donald Duck say to the prostitute? "Put it on my bill..."


What did 50 cent say when his grandma knit him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?


Why are women and tornadoes alike?

Because at first there is a lot of blowing and sucking, and then you lose your house!

[Crammit]

This is an actual review on amazon for Veet Hair Removal for Men...
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian
I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate.
She was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my Nut sack pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself.
Which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting…..
Then having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...
So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

[gazza750]

I was in the pet shop last week

When I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder…

"Where did you get that from?" I asked,

"Bankstown, there's f’xxxkin thousands of them!" --said the Parrot…!!

[gazza750]

Splinters in Her Crotch!
A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, WA ....

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

[gazza750]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

[gazza750]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result... He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt...

[Cochee]

I don't get it

[blaize]

^wut

[gazza750]

A Message from your Queen


To the former citizens of the United States of America from the Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth 11

In the light of your failure in years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth 11 will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1 Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation; you will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2 The letter “u” will be reinstated in words such as “colour”, “favour”, “labour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up “vocabulary”).

3 Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter “u” and the elimination of –ize.

4 July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse or foxes. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6 Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7 All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

8 Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9 The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. Actually we are adopting the imperial gallon, which of course is larger. Not to worry, it will be litres (not liters) soon.

10 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11 The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they’re pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. American brands will be referred to as Near-frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13 You will cease playing American Football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us!

14 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15 You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s driving us mad.

16 An inspector from Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17 Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you used to call cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

18 Corporations shall henceforth be used in the plural form: not “GM is offering a discount” but rather “GM are offering a discount”. Microsoft are to follow this order in their software.

19 God Save the Queen!

[SLEEKA]

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. After a few minutes I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat?... Is coz I look Chinee?" No, I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slant eyed little cocksucker".

[gazza750]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.



Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"



"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.



And then she said, "Do whatever you want."



So . . . . here I am !

[POH73]

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They Chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Dermot and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Dermot asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Niva]

Missus sister sat on my glasses the other day and broke them. It was my fault though, should of taken them off.

[ELUSIV]

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day after shooting a load into his girlfriend's face while imagining she was someone else?

[schnoods]

Bloke walks into a Florist.

"Hi, I'd like a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend"

Florist replies "Yes sir, Are you after anything in particular?"

He replies "Yeah, a root."

[Brett Allan]

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day after shooting a load into his girlfriend's face while imagining she was someone else?

I feel sorry for the guy, you know, people keep saying he doesn't have a leg to stand on in court.....

[Missile]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

[POH73]

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

[5ltrs of fun]

I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the

Pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher

[skidkid]

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag.

[joeman]

Is this a Lance Armstrong joke?

[5ltrs of fun]

A gay man finally decided he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you, I’m gay.”

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay, doesn’t that mean that men put their penises into your anus?”

“Yes mom they do.”

“And you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

He says nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, I do.”

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, “Don’t you dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!”

[BlueSIV]

Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?




So they can hang an airfreshner!

[Macca]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman, Dave, to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and Dave said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and
beautiful again."

Dave asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it on my eyes.

[shiznits]

How do you make a gay guy have sex with a woman?










Shit in her pingpingpingping

[MadDocker]

A teacher in Ireland asked her second grade class to use the word contagious in a sentence.
Little Katie raised her hand and said " I got the measles and I couldnt go out to play because I was contagious"
Little Mary was next. "My mum says there's a flu bug going around. Its contagious."
"Well done!", said the teacher,"anyone else want to try?"
Little Sean's hand was the first up. In his thick Dublin accent he says, "My next door neighbor is painting her house with only a two-inch brush. My dad says it will take the contagious."

[Gleeso]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of Rome.

One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

[Gleeso]

A programmer's wife asks him, "Honey, go to the store and buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs buy a dozen." When he comes back, she asks, "Why did you bring me thirteen loaves of bread?" He explains: "They had eggs."

I laughed a little too much at this one.

[Gleeso]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches

[huggy_b]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Nissan-GT-R-body-only-/221275408859?pt=US_Cars_Trucks&hash=item33850ac9db#ht_3172wt_1041

[schnoods]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit
Came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[Dagon]

It's hard to tell puns to a kleptomaniac. They keep on taking things literally.

[gazza750]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,








"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[gazza750]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old worn out boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:

“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:

“Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”

[blaize]

whats six inches long and will make a woman scream all night?

a crib death.

[Yakky Bear]

Poor Shappelle Corby she's missed out on so many modernised day to day activities. Imagine when she goes to Coles for the first time-
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
"fuck not this again"

[RICEY]

whats six inches long and will make a woman scream all night?

a crib death.

Wow.

[Nugs]

whats six inches long and will make a woman scream all night?

a crib death.
6 inches is a tiny baby.
I alway heard it as
What is a foot long, purple and makes women scream?

[Turboesky]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/1798679_10203103963146223_2005111768_n.jpg
One hot summer day, Boonga came to town with his dog, tied it under

the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one..
Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Boonga called out, “It’s mine, mate."
"Your dog seems to be in heat", the cop said.
Boonga replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
tree."
The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Boonga. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed 'er this mornin'."
The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
sex!"
Boonga looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!

[dmanvan]

SB: Bye honey I'm off to my suicide bomber training class today.
hijab'wearing slave: will you need lunch or dinner
SB: No it is only a short class we should be wrapped up by lunch.............

(this really happens :D, http://www.smh.com.au/world/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-pupils-20140211-hvbvq.html

[Liberator]

Bit of an olde and a little long .

One day a boy is playing marbles and he always plays with the big kids . So the young child wins the marbles game and the big kid says ""bitch" when he loses . The little boy waddles of home and asks his mother what the word bitch means , to which the mother replies mockingly " haha thats your grandmother ". A few days later the young boy wins at marbles again just for the older boy to say "shit " . Curious the young boy goes home to ask his mother yet again , she respondes " your father says its my food ". Once more the young man wins marbles for the big kid to get all embraced losing three times in a row he blurts out " your going to get fucked " . The child asks his mother once more . His mother says" thats what adults do in the shower ".

A few weeks later dinner is being cooked and the little boy is left alone minding the food and doing his homework when the door bell rings , he runs to the door and answers it , thinking he is smart the boy eyes his grandma and says " hey bitch the shits in the oven and mums in the shower getting fucked ".

[Juzza34]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

[Uber XR]

DanWa likes this

[KAL SPL]

The inscription on the metal bands used by the United States Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The small metal bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, which was abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until recently when the agency received a letter from an Arkansas outdoorsman.

The letter read: "Dear sirs, While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."

[mav_vlt]

Perth Suburbs...

An Armadale Girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall,” she says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. Two Balga girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Cannington girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Girrawheen girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Geraldton girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Midland girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during a Maddington quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Mirrabooka kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between a boy and an Rockingham girl?
A. A Rockingham girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Kwinana?
A. Father’s day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Balga?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!...

[Chivalry]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first romantic encounter.

Eagerly, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very depressed state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for romance, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out...

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

[d1mitch]

lol, but maths dont seem to work out...

[Damo 69]

if he fucks her 4 times a day, 3% inflation, 8% interest 990k is no worries in 30 years

[Brett_J]

for more than 30 years

Also, who the fuck analyses a joke, wtf is wrong with you?

[RICEY]

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.
The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill."
The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "This is thalidomide."
The other two women look in horror. "WHY?!"
The third one calmly replies, "I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater."

[Bomber]

LOL

[Saint_23]

"I was walking down the street near my apartment when I saw a black fella running with a television. It looked similar to mine, so I ran into my apartment. Thankfully it was still there, shining my shoes."

"What's the difference between a Pakistani school and an Al-Qaeda Training camp? Don't know, I just fly the drone..."

[gazza750]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...then say's, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that.



I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.

[Nugs]

Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films last night. I told him, you can have Toy Story and Finding Nemo but I'm never going to give you Up.

[gazza750]

The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, & all the while, banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, totally shocked, & not having a clue what to do about this horrible response from Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what the little shit said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore."

[disc0-dan]

^^ a childhood story of Dan Bilzerian by the sounds.

[evo5aurus]

scroll down and read the reviews for many lols

http://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top/278-9090894-5030335

[gazza750]

^^ a childhood story of Dan Bilzerian by the sounds.

who's he?

[dmanvan]

who's he?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Bilzerian

pretty easy to type a name into your phone/computer... lazy...:o ,,,, or type his name into you tube if you want to see some crazy doco's etc that have been made of him....

[SSICK]

My good mates girlfriends sister is partying with him at the moment. Shes in his ice bucket challenge video in the blue bikini. 8/10 would bang

[Turboesky]

scroll down and read the reviews for many lols

http://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM

Fucking Lol'd at this one!


3,144 of 3,367 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Read description carefully!, January 25, 2014

This review is from: Uranium Ore

This is NOT, repeat, NOT a woman from the Ukraine. Very disappointed but can only blame myself. Please read description when sober.

[volt_bite]

How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Apparently more than 10. My basement is still dark.

How many Libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to want to change.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They're efficient and not very funny.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ha! Feminists can't change anything.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A #1: Two, one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A #2: None, they only screw the poor

[volt_bite]

What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?












You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

[Douche Bag]

Pedophiles. Fucking immature assholes.

[gazza750]

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

[gazza750]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

[gazza750]

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[gazza750]

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night. The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" "Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice." Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?" Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!

[volt_bite]

A dog walks into a pub and says "A pint of beer please." The bartender says "Wow you should be in the Circus." The dog says "Why, do they need Electricians?"

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 is a registered 6 offender

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
.
.
.
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[volt_bite]

Why do Orphans play tennis? Because its the only place they can get love.

[gazza750]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!

[urabus]

Why do Orphans play tennis? Because its the only place they can get love.

*redheads

Brendon

[MadDocker]

"Honey it's me. I don't want to
alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula
brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some
tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it
did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken
ribs, I have a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they
may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife ' s Response:

"Who is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married .

[volt_bite]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"GRLGH"
So a guy and his family walk into a hotel, the guy walks up to the front desk and says to the clerk "I hope the porn is disabled." The clerk gives the man a nasty look and says "It's regular porn you sick fuck!"

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldn't pay 60 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face!

What's better than eating a mandarin?
Eating Amanda out.

[volt_bite]

Not really a joke, but still funny:

'Veet Gel Hair Remover Cream Review':
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering "ooooohhh that feels good" Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

[volt_bite]

Guys plz, don't cheap out:


Condoms.

I always went for the Durex because I'm a cheapsteak and didn't want to spend the extra cash for Trojans. If you think about it, though, you're depending on a wafer thin piece of latex to protect you from someone who is virtually a stranger. That's not something you want to cheap out on. A few years ago, I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

So I had just begun a relationship with a young lady named Chelsea (not her real name). She had pale skin, fiery red hair, and more freckles on her face than there are livers spots on my nana's thighs. A ginger, through and through. My first. My last. My only.

Chelsea followed a personal set of guidelines regarding sex with a new partner not unlike those required for purchasing a handgun: a background check (mostly facebook) followed by a mandatory two week waiting period. Also, a sniff test. Only then could one get a piece. This was to prevent decisions from being made "in the heat of the moment." Wasn't an issue for me, though. I wanted to shoot her vagina whether she made me wait two weeks or ten months.
Unfortunately, that two weeks didn't help the fact that I was as rusty as a truck that is rusty. Sure, I'd been doing plenty of target practice on my own. But shooting a live target is different, so no matter how much practice I had with that blowup doll, it wasn't the same. The two weeks couldn't end soon enough.
When that day did arrive, it was nothing short of a disaster. First off, my body had semenly forgot a woman's touch. It was a shock to my system. Me jostling around her freckly tits coupled with her kneading my bean bag like a stress ball proved too much. All the target practice in the world couldn't have prepared me. I came all over her leg within a couple minutes.

Fortunately, though, man was given extra testicles for just this reason. After several tense minutes of clean up and apologies, I was rock hard once more. And to think some people still don't believe in intelligent design.
After five minutes spent fumbling around with a Durex, I was finally ready. I carefully positioned myself for insertion, then promptly rammed my mushroom tip square in her b-hole. A one in a million shot. What happened was her bright white skin had zapped my optic nerves. As they were still recovering, I was actually flying blind. To get it inside the pink rather than the stink, I was left with no choice but to use the method my nana uses when parallel parking - ease it along until it can't go any farther or someone screams out in pain, whichever comes first.

After finally completing this docking procedure of Interstellar proportions, I grabbed the headboard, dug my toes into the futon, and set about taking us both to the moon. My donger, apparently thinking this was a good time to do an impression of the space shuttle Challenger, blew up seventy three seconds after liftoff.
It was embarrassing to say the least. Normally that kind of thing only happens when I go raw dog. Condoms usually buy my six to eight minutes. I mean, my entire sexual routine depends on it. Finishing that quickly is like watching the edited version of True Blood - unsatisfying and a bit confusing.

Luckily, Chelsea took it all in stride. My mediocre performance, that is. Not my penis. She mostly took that on her back. But by the tenth such coupling, the frustration was practically written in her freckles. She desired more out of me, plain and simple.

Not one to throw in the towel so quickly (unless I'm throwing it at my current girlfriend so she can do a little post-coital mop up), I devised a plan to achieve greater sexy-time endurance. I was determined to give Chelsea the pleasure that even a ginger like her has a right to experience. Also, I didn't want it to get around that I shoot my load easier than a new tube of toothpaste. Girls talk, you know. I didn't need that kind of press, especially since nana leaked bath time nudes of me as an eight year old on her myspace.

The day arrived to put my plan into motion. It was a simple one; a little Jack Daniel's judiciously applied to mouth and junk, just enough to make Lord Admiral Alfred D. Cocksworth pleasantly numb but not so much that it would be difficult for him to salute the Queen Mother, and that was it.

It worked like a charm. The booze gave me the ability to pound away on Chelsea at the blistering rate of twelve pumps per minute (I borrowed my nana's heart monitor to get an accurate reading). I even let out a little cheer when I heard the timer on my phone go off, which signaled that I had just surpassed my previous high score of eleven minutes and thirty one seconds.

Emboldened by my success, I figured it would be as good a time as any to try out some fresh material. Performing my new stuff required frequent repositioning, which meant I had to take out my boner several times, exposing it to the elements in the process.

I'd like to take a moment to say this is where having a cheap condom became a liability. All the taking out and putting back in was causing our love bits to dry out like my nana's old, dusty carrot cake. Friction grew by the second. It was then that something I never thought possible happened. I felt a familiar sensation in my genitals. It was one of impending orgasm. I had reached my personal event horizon, the point from which no load can return. My jizz would be held back no more.
In that same moment, however, I noticed the climate of Chelsea's vagina had drastically changed. Suddenly, it was seventeen degrees warmer. How did I know it was exactly seventeen degrees? Let's just say I was an apprentice chocolatier at one point and my master didn't believe in thermometers.

Before there was time to theorize the possible reasons for this temperature shift, my cock exploded. Big time. Chelsea must have thought a little garden hose went off inside her. She hadn't had an orgasm herself (like all gingers, she is only capable of climax when feasting on the souls orphan children), but she clearly was a way more satisfied customer than on our first few visits to Poundtown. That apparent enjoyment gave me a wonderful sense of accomplishment. For the first time in quite a long while, I felt like a real man.

Any jubilation ended the moment I unqueefed my sword from her scabbard. My dick looked...kind of funny. Moreso than usual, I mean. I quickly deduced its extra queer appearance was due to the fact only half the condom remained. The lower half. The part from the reservoir tip and down a couple inches had simply vanished, leaving only the band around the base of the shaft and a little bit of shredded latex. It was official; I just had a condom blow out.

The next few minutes passed in slow motion. Chelsea started running in circles, my splooge squishing inside her as she did. I let out some horrified squeeks and a couple farts. After regaining our composure, we set about fishing the the remnants of my Durex out of her with some salad thongs. There was nothing to be done about the semen left behind, though. That ship had sailed.

What worried me the most about this predicament -- more than even risk of sexually transmitted disease -- was the fact that Chelsea wasn't taking any form of birth control whatsoever. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I brought some bizarre ginger/human hybrid into this world. My only move was to buy Plan B and hope for the best. I gladly shelled out the $40 and she took it without a word. Three weeks passed before she got her period. We were in the clear.

As for our relationship? The bloom was off the rose. We broke up a week later. That was the one time I suckled ginger wine. Never again. More importantly, I only buy good quality rubbers.

[Passage GT]

^^^ hahaha, proper laughs, good read.

[Macca]

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"
After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"
I said, "In my ear."

[S85FI]

Guys plz, don't cheap out:

Did something kinda the same. Fucked a chick with a tampon in her because she was bleeding like stuck pig. Spent a long time after fishing out the tampon. Fucknig was messy but wanted to pork her so bad and she was ok with it.

[shifted]

^^Dude. Fuck.

[Nickevox]

Did something kinda the same. Fucked a chick with a tampon in her because she was bleeding like stuck pig. Spent a long time after fishing out the tampon. Fucknig was messy but wanted to pork her so bad and she was ok with it.
Man, this true ethnic style hahah

[ReaperSS]

fuck that! I would rather fvxk my cat

[volt_bite]

Alright you sick fuckers, another one for you:

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, as you can see, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine, fine" the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

A few more..

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies? The Swallow.

[dmanvan]

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1 to 10 ..

Last night we tried Anal..

She kept yelling 9, that's the best I've ever done..........

//