Jokes thread

[suburban]

got any decent jokes?

Q:whats the diff between a gay guy and a microwave?
A: a microwave dont brown ya meat

boom tishhh !!

:monkeys:

[TJ]

Doesnt a gay guy brown his own meat?

[TJ]

Whats the difference between a blonde and a fridge

A fridge doesnt moan when you put your meat in it.......

[Shaolin242]

Doesnt a gay guy brown his own meat?

TJ WTF is THAT?

[McLOVIN]

It's TJ using subtlety to announce his coming out.

[hondaboy]

LoL
tom i always knew there was something behind your innocent handshakes!! :D

[suburban]

its the tickle on the palm that gives it away hondaboy :)

jk tom :)

[hondaboy]

ah Ha!
exposed tom!!!

jks big boi we still luv u :)

[TJ]

haha think about it fools

gay man browns his own meat ..... puts something somewhere brown ... so when it comes out ... browned his own meet

im not gay so i dont know how it works

[McLOVIN]

You just explained how it works you schmuck.

It's OK dude, we won't think any less of you.

It does explain why you get along with SUBARUS though.

[Royboy]

The definition of indecent!
When its big enough. Its hard enough and its in far enough,
then ya know its in decent.

[BASSULA]

what to 50,000 abused women have in common each year???

they still dont fukn listen!! :P

PS: I in no way condone the abuse of women

[suburban]

lol

[Milhouse]

lol graeme

so thats why you wink at me tj.... ahhh
everythings making sense now :) hahah

[TJ]

i only want you for your car :)

[Rickmate]

i knew there was "something about tj"

i got one for ya

How many animals in a womans panties ?

1000hares
a pussy
a cock-or-two

thankyou, youve been a great audience
goodnight

Rick

[Works Auto]

:lol:

[TJ]

hahahahah , good stuff rick

[Rickmate]

hehe, glad you like it fellas, heres an email i got swung, some funny shit there, but i especially like the last one.. still cracking me up..

INNER SKELETON

A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil,suffering abdominal pains.

X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she had conceived a decade earlier. It had*become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.


FEMALE SOFA

A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital.

During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR OUCH!

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.

He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.


PING PONG ANYONE?

A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum.

He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel!!.**The concrete then hardened (no shit!), causing constipation and pain.**Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with it a ping pong ball.


BLIND DRUNK

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.

He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.**Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.


OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels.

The man had his hand on his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.**They eventually explained to doctors tha they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side.**In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.



And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!

[megzrahh]

LOL !!!

[TJ]

LOL hahahahahahha

[up_in_smoke]

i found some funny shit

any one seen the real mirium.....now that shits whacked but i dunno if its appropriat to put on here...chicks with dicks are far rotten

no affence if any are in here...ehehe :werd:

[McLOVIN]

i found some funny shit

any one seen the real mirium.....now that shits whacked but i dunno if its appropriat to put on here...chicks with dicks are far rotten

no affence if any are in here...ehehe :werd:
*looks at tj*

[mc68]

yes, i got a friggen email of the real miriam.......omg thats filthy! :squint:

[munchmunch]

muma bear and poppa bear were walking in the forest
muma bear said poppa bear will you lick my porridge
poppa bear said shit bitch you must think im sick get down on your hands and knees and suck my bad ass dick

[WRCjosh]

lol wtf, i dont get it

[Shaolin242]

Q. How do you make a Fag fuck a chick?

A. Shit in her pingpingpingping.

*Most offensive Joke Ever*

[SikS4]

Q. how do u scare every1 off a thread??

A. tell a joke as wrong as that

[McLOVIN]

OK that was just wrong. No more jokes from Shaolin242.

[suburban]

lol

[Lord_Muck]

Q: How do you know when its time to do the dishes and clean the house?

A: Look in your pants, if you have a penis, its not time

[LNYMRKO]

ROFL Shaolin242. Nice one :D

[LNYMRKO]

What's the best thing about twenty one year olds ?
There's 20 of them.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's already been told twice.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne doesn't come on a kids face till he's atleast 13.

[LNYMRKO]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine created a pussy to their design...

1) First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit.
2) Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
3) Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet he lined it within.
4) Forth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without.
5) Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
6) Sixth was a preacher whos name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
7) Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a pingpingpingping!

[suburban]

awesome haha

---> What's the best thing about twenty one year olds ?
There's 20 of them.

i bet your now on the kiddy porn watchlist ;)

dirty haha

[LNYMRKO]

Haha probably. :P

[HotAe92]

Thought this was pretty funny if u haven't already seen it.
Heres the little caption that goes with it:
MUST READ FIRST !!!!
Watch your screen closely with sound on so you can just hear the panpipes.


This is a car advert from somewhere. When they finished filming the ad
the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car,
like a ghostly white mist.

The ad was never put on TV because the unexplained ghostly phenomenon
frightened the production team out of their wits. Watch it and about
halfway look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the
car then following it along the road......Spooky!

http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/monthly/2004/august/ghostcarad.mpg

[SikS4]

haha
i got told bout that exact vid last nite, i knew what was guna happen and i still jumped

[Cold Fusion]

whats the difference between ET and Asians?

ET got the hint and went home

***just a joke, im not racist***

[bodybodyrock]

ROFL ^^^

[SikS4]

i just got told bout a funny prank
a mate used to do this in england

u call up sum1 in the middle of the night (they prefered to do it to ppl they knew) and tell them u r from telstra (or british telecom in that case) and tell them there is going to be someone working on the fone connections in the area and if the fone rings in the next 2 hours dont answer it cos it will electricute the guy working.
then a wile later u call them, idealy it rings 4 ages, and if they pick up u scream like ur being shocked

[karag]

bahahah I'm so going to try that one!

[megzrahh]

haha, i just wanted to post something :P~

[4_Aces]

What men really mean ...

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

she's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next

[4_Aces]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED-She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

[4_Aces]

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.

Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail..........and succeed..........which have you done?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "ass-teroids"?

The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it


and as u can tell im bored at uni.....

[4_Aces]

A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.

He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."


alrite im really bored at uni...

[SikS4]

haha i like that last one

[4_Aces]

20 Reasons why a Woman Should Call it a Night...


1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10.The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11.Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12.You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.

13.You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.

14.You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15.You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16.You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17.You're hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18.You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19.You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.

20.You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

[Sully]

I have a life changing decision on my hands.....

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed paint coming off my front bumper.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local hardware shop and try to repaint it myself?

[Sully]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Men Keep scrolling












By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen!

[Shaolin242]

whats the difference between ET and Asians?

ET got the hint and went home

***just a joke, im not racist***
HAHAHHAHAHAH! thats worse than my "shit in her pingpingpingping" joke on the previous page!!! haahhah nice onE!

[MissG]

i expected more from u dave!....tisk tisk!

[Sully]

all in good time rach, all in good time

Today's Survival Tip:
Next time you are too drunk to drive,
Walk to the nearest Pizza Hut
Place an order,
And when they go to deliver it,
Catch a ride home with them.




Subject: New marketing ideas from the USA
Pfizer Corp has made the announcement that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do."

Also, the long term implications of new drugs and medical procedures must be considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than has been spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is estimated that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts or enormous erections who can't remember what to do with them.




Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the dining room and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"




i've got an interesting letter to nissan thats coming up next too.... and no i didn't write it

[Sully]

this familiar to anyone here?


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v409/boofead/nissan1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v409/boofead/nissan2.jpg

[Sully]

last ones from me for the time

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub...
--
A man finds his girlfriend furiously packing a suitcase in the bedroom and asks her what's up. His girlfriend replies, "I heard adout you! everyone is saying you're a paedophile!" The man replies, "Well thats a big word for an 11 year old!"
--
A guy goes into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll. The guy behind the counter says "Normal or Muslim?". "What's the difference?" asks the customer. "The Muslim one blows itself up."

(no offence meant to anyone, its just a joke on the internet :wave: )

[SikS4]

a bloke joins a new church and to get in the ministers good books, he takes him fishing. wile out fishing the minister catches a big fish, the other bloke says to the minister 'thats a big motherfucker'. the minister is quite taken back so thinking quickly the guy says 'thats the name of the fish, a motherfucker, and thats a big one'. the minister is relieved and they go on fishing.
that night the minister takes the fish home to his wife and says 'look at this big motherfucker'. after explaining to his wife the name etc, the wife cleans the fish and prepares to cook it.
that night the pope comes round for dinner. when they have finished the pope says 'that fish was delishous, where did u get it'
the minister says 'oh that big motherfucker, well i caught the motherfucker, and my wife cleaned and cooked the motherfucker'
the pope leans back on his chair, unzips his pants and says 'u know what, u pingpingpingpings are alright'. :)

[[RX2]]

this familiar to anyone here?


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v409/boofead/nissan1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v409/boofead/nissan2.jpg
yep that was gettin passed around my work a few weeks ago...what a champ

[Cold Fusion]

I Rekon we should have a vote to see whos is the best joke out of this thread...

[Brockas]

ok not racist, just funny.


Q. What do you do if you see an aboriginal bleeding in ur back garden?

A. Stop laughing and re-load.


Q. How long does it take a nigger to take a shit?

A. 9 months

[[RX2]]

ok not racist, just funny.


Q. What do you do if you see an aboriginal bleeding in ur back garden?

A. Stop laughing and re-load.


Q. How long does it take a nigger to take a shit?

A. 9 months

ok same deal.......

wots three things you cant give a aboriginal?

1. a black eye
2. a fat lip
3. a job

[TJ]

i think we need to calm down on the racist shit just a little ...........

[magic1]

Q. Why did the serb cross the road.

sorry i cant give you the answer

[DoriGirl]

ok... off the racist topic a little...
next time you go through the maccas drive through and they say "sorry about the wait" just lean in and say "that's ok... you'll lose it eventually"

mmm... torn between hilarity and offending the only people who will feed you greasy food at 3am when your pissed... hehe

[suburban]

every time i go thru a drivethru and they say that thats what i think. thankfully on these occasions my brain thinks before my mouth opens. and that is a rare feat !

[Blazin]

Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks!! :P
Wat do u call an aboriginal in a ferrari? a jaffa lol
I apologise for the lameness of these jokes l :lol:

[sLOW navara]

not bad dont mean to affend any one
(q) what did the deaf dumb and blind kid get for x mass




(a) cancer

:op: :shake: :clit: :bj: :idb: :monkeys:

[OmEg_A7]

Q: What do you call a merry go round with no brakes?



A: Merry go round round round round

[magic1]

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

[magic1]

http://teamhouse.tni.net/Misc/noplay/cockpit.htm

[magic1]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

[Sully]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

[magic1]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, purple, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer... never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.

[LNYMRKO]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband.

On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

[LNYMRKO]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.


He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.


After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.


He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man."


Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."


The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[LNYMRKO]

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's penis.

After a few seconds, he blows his load in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

[cplagz]

What goes ring ring ouch?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

*WARNING*
So anyway, my girlfriend says to me one day "I think you're a paedophile" so I reply "My that's a big word for a 5 year old".

This guy is off rooting this hooker and has been going at it for an hour or so and feels like his dick is about to fall off if he doesn't blow, so he asks the hooker if she has any lube `cos it's a bit dry. She says sure no worries, just wait here, and off she goes into the bathroom, she returns a few minutes later and gets back into the swing of things. After another 10 minutes the guy finally blows and says wow that lube was fucking amazing, where can I get some from?. The hooker replies, what lube are you talking about? I just went the bathroom, picked my scabs and let the puss flow.

..... I shall return :D with a bucket for you all.

[LNYMRKO]

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beerhall. One of them says, "You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick". "How did You get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right up her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull get's a rip roaring boner and immediately get's it right up the cow. Ben was impressed. That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and get's a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out "Honey look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a nosebleed?"

[dorisaur]

hahaha

[nissxtacy]

fuc these are hilarious!

[Liana-]

AHAHAHHAHA
lenny i nearly choked on that last one
last time i read ur jokes while eating :P

[LNYMRKO]

Bwahaha, you love it.

[magic1]

Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

[magic1]

sick but funny

[magic1]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

[Vest]

An old couple decide to try and spiceup their sex life, so whilst the man is at work one day the wife goes into a sex shop to check out their assorted goodies, after browsing for a while and talking to the guys se deicdes that crochless panties are the way to go.
So she urchases the panies and leaves.
As it's neearingtime for her husband to come home she slips them on and goes to wait on the bed.
As the husband walksi the houseshe yells out that she's in the bedroom already.Upon walking in the door he is greetedby the sight of his wife spread eagle on the bed.
She than asks "Want some of this???"
To which the man replies.... "FUCK NO!!! LOOK WHAT IT'S DONE TO YOUR KNICKERS!!!"


Q. What was the first sign of Cathy Freeman's husband having cancer?

A. The black mole at the end of his cock!

[jr]

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs ?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of poofter shit in our garden."

[Sully]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with the two arseholes...."

[magic1]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. I love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 am, drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that? Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady leave me alone! I'm married!'"

[LNYMRKO]

lol!

[fizz]

A sixteen-year-old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father,"
But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

[fizz]

ok this one is now out dated, but anyhow...

whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves??
Christopher Walken

[Vest]

Two old ladies are sitting out the front of a nursing home having a cierrette when it begins to rain, one of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it on the end of her ciggie.
Whats that? asks her mate
It's a condom to stop my ciggtie gettin wet....
Where do i get one? she asks
at any chemist.. says her mate

so the next day she goes to the chemist
one packet of condoms please she asks the young guy behind the counter.....
what size would you like ma'am?




oh it doesn't matter as long as it fits a CAMEL.....

[fizz]

A sad looking man walks into a pub and asks the bar keep for a shot of tequila. He downs the shot and still looking depressed orders a beer, he downs the beer quickly and orders a bourbon, whith a miserable look on his face he downs the bourbon and orders another tequila.. the curious bar keep asks the sad looking man, whats up buddy you dont seem too happy? the man replies, "had my first head job today.." the bar keep says, 'but thats great news buddy, you should be proud' to which the man replies, 'oh it was great, i just cant get the damn taste out of my mouth!'

[jasonsilvia]

What do you do if you come across a Gorilla face?
A: Whipe it off and say your sorry

What's better than hitting a kid doing 160km/h?
A: High pressure washing it off your tyres

What's 3ft High, 7ft wide and wont fit through a door?
A: Baby with a javelin through it's head

Two poofters. One goes for a haircut, gets to the hairdresser and the hairdresser says "anything you want to know about hair or life in general?". The poofter replies "Well, my boyfriend has more hair on his chest, and I was just wondering if there is any way you can get hair growth on your chest?". The hair dresser stops and thinks with a smile on her face. She then says "Well, just before you get in bed, rub Vasoline all over your chest" The poofter acknowledges this and gets home, when night time falls, he slowly and carefully climbs into bed. His boyfriend says "I noticed you getting in slow, what's the deal with all that Vasoline on your chest? "I went to the hairdressers today, got a hair cut and she asked if I wanted to know anything about hair and I want more hair on my chest and she said if you rub Vasoline on your chest before you go to bed, it develops hair!" "Well..." the boyfriend replies, "That's a load of shit because if that was true, you'd have a pony tail hanging out your ass!!!"

[Sully]

"Elderly Love"
John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"
Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?"
A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."

[jasonsilvia]

lol that is fucken classic afro man dad has told me it before bwahahahaha

[magic1]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[fizz]

how do u fix a woman's watch?


you don't - there's a clock on the oven!

[sttyle my 01 wrx]

anyone there lol

[Shano]

Q:How many babies does it take to paint a house?

A: Depends how hard you throw them.


Apologies in advance, and as such here's a warning:
---------------------------- <-- the line





Q: What's the difference between sand and a foetus?

A: You can't gargle sand ;/


Q: What's the best thing about about having sex with a 12 year old?

A: Watching her break down on the witness stand.


Q: How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?

A: Wipe its bleeding arse with its teddy bear.

Apologies again.. heh

[HyBrId]

here ya go:
sorry about grammer, couldnt be stuffed doin it :S


There was a blone, brunet and a wranger (red head), they all broke out of prison and had to find somewhere to stay.
so they found a warehouse, they went inside and in the first floor they found nothing to hide in!
so they went to the next floor and found a bung of bags, each of the ladies hid inside the bags
l8er that day, cops came, cops went to the first floor and found nothing so they went to the second floor and saw the bags filled with soething, one cop goes, kick the bag and see what is in it, so he kicks it and the first bag shouts "rufff" (brunet shouts ruff so they think its a dog), the sop thinks its a dog so he moves to the next one which has the red head in, he kicks it and it goes "meow", the cop thinks its a cat, the cop the cop then mvoes onto the last bag and kicks it, he doesnt hear anything so he kicks it again! the blonde shouts "POOTTAATTOOEESS"

[HyBrId]

here's another:

This guy walks out of a bar and he's piss drunk. he sees a nun walk past so he runs up to her and starts to bash the crap out of her! About five mins later the nun is bleeding, got a punchtured lung a broken skull and is really messed up.
the drunk guy puts a foot on her and shouts


NOT TO TOUGH NOW ARE YA BATMAN!!!!!

[SkyviaPete]

when and saw the vet the other day and asked him why he was so happy.
Apparantly he had just successfuly separated a siamese cat :dizzy:

[Shaolin242]

Q: What's the best thing about about having sex with a 12 year old?

A: Watching her break down on the witness stand.


Q: How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?

A: Wipe its bleeding arse with its teddy bear.

Apologies again.. heh

man those are gold...

[Shaolin242]

Note:

The best joke/thread ever posted on Antilag was when Tristan did that thread "And you thought my car was a whale" and posted the pic of that fat bitch sliding across the car. Man that was so classic. If anyone has that picture respost it i wanna have a wank or something. Top Shelf.

[muniom]

http://images.franzonline.net/2005-01-03-tsunamicharitycruise/dsc02741.jpg

hahahahahhahahahahhahaha

[Shaolin242]

muniom.

Thank you.

hilarity awaits....

[magic1]

hahahaaha

[cravinboost]

Something to remember when you're out ...............

A man entered his favourite restaurant and sat at his regular table.

After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back. B*tch."

[Philthy]

Jahahahahahahahahahah thats fuckin hilarious

[BoO5t3d]

lol hahahahah these jokes are great guys

[swan]

a man and his wife are having sex one night, and as the man goes to fondle his wifes breasts all of a sudden a black man pops up out of nowhere and goes "blwoooahhahhawooowoo" and then disappears again. well this got the man and his wife worried so the next day they go to the doctors together. when their at the doctors the wife explains the situation. she says "Doctor, whenever me and my husband are having sex and he goes to play with my breasts a black man appears and starts making silly noises" so the doctor says "ok, show me". the woman then takes off her top and the doctor goes and touches her breasts. and sure enough a black man pops up and goes "blwoooahhahhawooowoo". the doctor then says "ah i have seen this before. you have silly coon implants..."

[swan]

You know you have a horse power addiction when:
1) The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers
2) You can’t drive your car in the rain
3) Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car
4) You are afraid to drive your car
5) You spend more on tyres than on food
6) You look in a police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dashboard
7) You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the washing
8) You have to go to the track or the airport to buy fuel.
9) Your local mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you
10) You can cross Lake Eyre in less than 12 parsecs
11) You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office
12) Red signal lights change to green as you're approaching then change to red after you are gone
13) You arrive somewhere before you left
14) You get pulled over for doing 225 in a 60 zone, but the cops will let you go if they can look under the bonnet
15) You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 2kg of weight
16) You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in a cannonball run
17) Without pushing the car, there is no possible way to sneak out of your neighbourhood at 6am
18) Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened
19) Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life sized posters of your car.
20) The only spot on the car that receives any regular cleaning is the windscreen
21) Fuel is delivered to your home in 44-gallon drums
22) You carry earplugs in your car
23) You find out that the side mirrors don’t hold up at speeds exceeding 250 Km/hr
24) You spend more time on two wheels than most people spend on 100Km/hr
25) You watch the fuel gauge go down visibly as you cruise along the highway
26) The guys down at the street drags won’t run against you without a 10-second start

[swan]

Bush and the French ambassador are having dinner, and the topic of Star Trek comes up. The French ambassador tells Bush "Oh, I love Star Trek. I've watched it since I was a child. I especially love how it's people of all different races and nations and creeds coming together seemelessly to work as a team. But I noticed one thing: there's never been any Arabs on the show."
So Bush look up from his dinner, and says, "That's because it takes place in the future."

Two strangers are in ajoining bathroom stalls.
Man 1: Hey
Man 2: Hey yourself
Man 1: What are you doing?
Man 2: Trying to take a dump. What are you up to?
Man 1: Everything work out OK?
Man 2: I guess so, but I don't remember eating corn. How about you?
Man 1: I gotta go, hunny, the man in the next stall thinks I'm talking to him.

[Sully]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today."

[pshrdeta]

Boy and girl are in a sandpit Boy stands up and his pants fall down girl asks boy what his that is he replies i dont know ill ask my dad. The girl stands up and her pants fall down and the boy asks what that is she replies i dont know ill ask my mum. They go home and ask their parents what the things are. The mum tells the girl thats the garage and you dont let boys park their car in there. The dad answers his sons question with "thats the car son you need to park that in as many cars as possible". The boy and girl go back to the sandpit and the girl comes home covered in blood her mum asks what the bloods from and the girl replies "the boy tried to park his car in my garage so i ripped off its back wheels".

[escortMAD]

not a joke more of a quote
if the pro u just hired blows first do you have to pay?

[mark089]

what happened to the guy who fingered a gypsie who was on her period

he got his palms red for free

[PT-R]

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a cop car ?
the pricks are on the inside

why do birds fly upside down over police stations ?
cos theres nothin worth shittin on

how do u stop a cop from drownin ?
take your foot off his head

what do u call a cop on the other side of a river ?
anythin u want

what do u call a cop on duty on the other side of a river ?
sir

why do people call cops "ankles" ?
cos there 3 foot lower than a pingpingpingping

things u don't say when a cop asks y u were speeding

"theres some wanker with blue and red strobe lights tryin to race me"
"i'm almost outta beer"
"i was tryin to disprove the laws of physics for my sicence homework"
"but u were 2"
"i only have to pass one more car with the number 6 in the number plate and ill have BINGO!"
"cos i can!"
"i'm almost outta fuel and i was tryin to buld up anough enersa to roll to the servo"
"that smart ass traffic watch helicopter wanted to race"
"COS I DIDN'T SEE YOU"

a cop pulls over a hot car for doin 180kph in a 50kph zone he walks up to the drivers side and taps on the glass the man winds down his window and asks
"whats the problem oficer"
the cop says "do u know how fast u were going"
the man replys "i dunno i'm in a rush i've got two dead bodys in the boot and i need to dump them off the bridge before they stink out my car".
the cop quite stunned at the mans reply asks "how did they die"
the man quite carmly replys "I shot them with the semi-automatic unde the passengers seat"
the cop steps back and pulls his gun and asks "what was your motive"
the guy turns to him and says "i couldn't be bothered to pay them for the bag of drugs in my glove box"
the cop gets out his 2way and calls for backup. Within 10 min's the car is surrounded buy cops the head sargent walks up to the driver and says " my officer informs me that u have 2 dead bodys in your boot a semi-automatic gun uder your passenger seat and a glovebox full of drugs"
the man replys " Nah your officer is full of shit i bet he recons i was speedin two"

[dorifuto]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and its window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way," replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the
driver asked.
"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver,
still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
No! I'm not getting in the F##KIN car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of
lollies," the driver offered.
"No!" screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver in a long sigh
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the "F##KIN" Holden you live with
it!"

[LNYMRKO]

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS FUCKIN GOLD GAV!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Ja50n]

Why does Casey Donovan sing?
So blind people can hate her too!

[LNYMRKO]

A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. "Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off. So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded, "Eat Me."

[LNYMRKO]

Mens Thesaurus:

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[LNYMRKO]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[LNYMRKO]

A guy got a new car radio so he only had to say the type of music and it would come on. So one day, he decided to try it out. He said "Jazz" and jazz came on.

Then after a while, he got sick of that and said "Hip-Hop" and Hip-Hop came on.

He went to the shops and saw 3 kids kicking the shit out of a phone box. He said angrily, "Fucking kids!" and Michael Jackson came on.

[Ratus]

Apologies in advance:

Abo kid goes home from school and says to his mum "ive got the biggest dick i grade 3. is that coz im black?"

his mum says: "no, its coz you're 19"

[magic1]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."

[ben351]

i am not racist :)
But an abo and his missus were staggering down the street after a night on the goon ... they stagger past a shop window and the lady abo stops .. "Oh i like dat dere shoes in da window" so the bloke abo picks up a brick throws it throw the window and steals her the shoes ... they stagger on down the road and she stops again .. "Oh i like dat dere handbag" so once again he picks up a brick throws it smashes the window and steals her the handbag .. they stagger on an she stops at the next window " oh i like dat dere dress" the bloke stops looks at her and goes " WHAT YOU THINK I MADE OF BRICKS BITCHH" :lol: :lol:

[ben351]

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am Putting
a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on
the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer
cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under
the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
whythere even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After
dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too
much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer
cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by
your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does
happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash!!!!!???

[miss_petepie]

dunno if this has been posted...

Q: what do u call the white crusty bits in a womans knickers?








A: Clitty Litter

[4GTEIT]

why dont you give old woman papsmears???




ever tried to open a toasted cheese sandwhich???

[ben351]

why dont you ever have the morning after sex ??

ever seen what a pit bull looks like with mayo spilt on its face

[4GTEIT]

An aboriginal is walking down the road with a sheet of Tin and a 6 pack looking really sad.
another bloke walks up to him and says

"hey dude whats wrong?" the aboriginal replies.... Oh just got divorced, the misses got the car and kids and I got the house and contents.
__________________________________________________ _________________

whats the difference between a pitty and a shame???
ans: A pitty is a bus full of arabs going over a cliff.
A shame is that there was one seat left.
__________________________________________________ _________________

[Ja50n]

Blind man in Big W with a Labrodoor on a lead swinging it in circles above his head. Manager comes over and goes "What the bloody hell is goin on here? Can i help you with anything?"
Blind man replies "Na its ok, Just havin a look around"

[Ja50n]

Lenny goes to the hairdressers and get the normal chop. The hairdresser ask's "Is there anything else I can help you with?" Lenny says "How can I get more hair on my chest?" The hairdresser says "When you get into bed at night, rub vasoline all over your chest where you want it. Anyway, 11pm comes, and Lenny jumps into bed with Vasoline all over his chest. b005t says "What the **** you doing with all the vasoline on your chest honey?" Lenny replies "Well today at the hairdressers, they said if I rub vasoline all over my chest before I go to bed, I will grow hair there" b005t replies "Well thats a load of ****, because if it was true, you and I would know you'd have a poney tail hanging out your ass!"

[Nickevox]

LOL

[4GTEIT]

LOL!!!!!! GOLD!

[[rotarted]]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to
their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over
him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how thestripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch
this time."

[[rotarted]]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss

their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one
was a Homosexual.


The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge

in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the

doctor's office, each convinced that he wouldnever again indulge

himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for Their return

trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the

loud music and smelling the ale, could Not stop himself. His buddies

accompanied him into the bar, where he had a Shot of whiskey. No

sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.


His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how Seriously
they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came

upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.


The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if You

bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[to4garret]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand"

[Philthy]

wats the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson?

(bet ur thinking somethin to do with moon walk???? wrong)

neil armstrong is a astronaught and michael jackson rapes little children

[[rotarted]]

It was a normal day at school when the teacher asked the class..
"WHat does your father do for a living"
There was the usual. Builder,Doctor,lawyer,fireman,police man etc..
Then it came to little jimmy. Jimmy went quiet. The teacher asked
"Jimmy what does your father do for a living"
Jimmy said..
"At night my dad goes and dance at a gay club and takes all his clothes off and if the price is right he will go home and preform sexual acts on the men for money"

The class went quiet and the teacher said
" Jimmy thats not true is it?"

Jimmy replied
" No miss its not......My dad actually plays football for the freo dockers....but i was too embaresed to say it!"

[suburban]

Q: why did the walrus goto a tupperware party ?




A: to find himself a tight seal !



dooom tshhhh !


Q: whats 3 things you cant give an aboriginal ?


A: a black eye, fat lip and a job

[to4garret]

If men wrote advise columns...

Q. My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A. Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him it totally selfless. This shows how much he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q. My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A. You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to men is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A. This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two. It's a great time to clean the house, too! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with is, do it on your own time and ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q. My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A. I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[to4garret]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and
my girlfriend, well... She was a dream!!!!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was 20years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that I was soon to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome, and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before i
got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said ''I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me.''

I was stunned, and I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight for the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !''
The moral of this story is;-... ''Always keep your condoms in your car''

[[RX2]]

>>Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
>> >Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
>> >
>> >One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
>>right
>> >behind her.After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
>> >would
>> >she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home
>>early.
>> >She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed
>> >early.
>> >
>> >The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
>> >before meeting a dinner date.
>> >
>> >The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
>> >when
>> >she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
>> >
>> >Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
>>her
>> >husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out
>> >of
>> >her house.
>> >
>> >The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
>> >leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
>> >them.
>> >
>> >"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

[[RX2]]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for
her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[to4garret]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be re placed with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[[RX2]]

$2 Sausage

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea"

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large
sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack
Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We
haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, " Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your
knees and put it in your mouth.

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My
mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!? Larry said,

"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the third pub".

[Yipes]

ITALIAN BOY CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads...

[ReaperSS]

Man goes to a zoo, but there is only one dog there.

It's a s HITzu.

[Sully]

A blonde, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Fremantle Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked.



"Yes, yes I am." replied the blonde. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me."



The blonde, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn.



Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young blonde and demanded an explanation.



The blonde came clean and shouted "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."



The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; ".He sure is darlin', this is the Rottnest Ferry!!”

[to4garret]

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you run off with the milkman and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame 'cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour
madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

[to4garret]

i got this as a txt message a while ago,

"Sorry havent been in touch for a while, theres been a blackout on our street and we had to wait for someone to go out and shoot him." :lol:

[ReaperSS]

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass !!

[to4garret]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... "
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

[to4garret]

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this
course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other -
Help line and support groups


LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE
OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT
HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation


REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class


GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING
WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

[HotAe92]

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million

Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims"

[MMM]

"i went to a party the other day and it was full of muslims and we played party games and my word it was the fastest game of pass the parcel if ever seen"

[Yipes]

All these arab jokes! haha

Here's another

WHY WORLD PEACE IS TOUGH...

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the American's other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes..."

World peace is tough

[ReaperSS]

*****NEWSFLASH*****

A man drowned today while eating his cereal!
The current pulled him in!!!

[ReaperSS]

Q: How can you tell if your dad has been having sex with your sister?
A: Because his dick tastes different.

[ben351]

YOUR A SICK FUKC

[ReaperSS]

YOUR A SICK FUKC

Hahaha yes i am :lol:

[ReaperSS]

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shat in his hand and had a wank.

[ReaperSS]

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!

[ReaperSS]

Q: Why do men fart louder than woman?
A: Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

[ReaperSS]

Q: What kind of animal has a C U N T in the middle of it's back?
A: A Police horse.

[ReaperSS]

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?

A: When she flips you over, holds you down and FUKs you up the arse with her clitoris.

[jr]

Q: What kind of animal has a C U N T in the middle of it's back?
A: A Police horse.
GOLD!!!

[Remix]

Q: What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A: A subwoofer

[Macca]

Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good wife to you for seven years and i have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week when you came home you didn't notice i had had my hair cut, had my nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate it two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you are cheating or you don't love me anymore, either way I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me don't bother. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good wife is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have confused me with my BROTHER, because i stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you because you had on that new negligee and the price tag was still on it. I prayed that is was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all this I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. When I discovered that I had hit the lotto for $10 million, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason i guess. I hope you have the full life you have always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter you wrote you wont be getting a dime from me. Take care.
P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich as Hell and Free!

[Macca]

THE SUPERMARKET DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in
front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit
startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity
getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely
correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[ReaperSS]

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR! LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH WE'RE EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT

6. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US

9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH GRADE TEACHER.

10 THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO US.

11 OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO WE KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12 WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

13 WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

14 WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (er, or, the mop?)

15 WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."

16 WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

17 OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.

18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.

19 WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME WE''RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM OUR DRINK.

20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

[Yipes]

CHOSEN FEW

[McKVNT]

CHOSEN FEW

Awesome :)

[Yipes]

Ninja, most parts Of ur joke are so true, I love it

[ReaperSS]

Ninja, most parts Of ur joke are so true, I love it

lol! Thats it! :lol:

[Twe12ve]

every one of those is true man. top find.

[Yipes]

Not everyone, I refuse to dance around my bag

[[Rotarded]]

how do you keep the neighbours kids of your lawn?

Molest them!

[[RX2]]

VAN NGUYEN & THE GENIE



Van Nguyen was walking down a seedy Cabramatta back alley, when he spotted a grimy used syringe on the bitumen. Being a somewhat naive and intellectually challenged young man, Van picked up the object wondering what it was. As he rubbed away a patch of congealed blood, a plume of purple smoke erupted from the end of the needle and a Genie appeared.



"Master" he reverently told Van. "You have released me from my hypodermic hell. As a token of my gratitude, I grant you three wishes". Nguyen was over the moon. Three wishes! "I think I know my first one" he told the Genie. "And what is your first wish Master?" the Genie asked young Van.



"Well, my brothers in financial difficulties... so if you can figure out a way for me to come up with $25 000, that'd be sensational" Van excitedly told the being. "I think that can be arranged. What is your second wish?" the Genie asked him. "I've always wanted to be famous" Van gushed. "In what way?" the Genie asked. "I can turn you into a rock star, a big Hollywood movie star, or even a Nobel prize winner...". "I don't care how I become famous...just as long as I'm famous" Van impatiently told the Genie.



"Makes my job easy. And your third wish Master?" the Genie asked. Van thought long and hard. He'd solved both his brother's financial problem, and also the problem of being a nobody. Then it came to him. "Well Genie, I've never had much luck with the ladies. But being famous is going to turn me into a veritable chick magnet, so I better make sure I have the best equipment for the job. I want to be hung like a black man..."



And the rest is history.

[Sully]

keeping on with the bad taste jokes

whats the difference between Ricky Ponting and Van Nguyen's mum?
Ricky Ponting didn't bring home the ashes

there's a new Van Nguyen tribute beer coming out soon
only available in long necks

a friend asked Van Nguyen what he was doing this week
"just hanging around"

[ReaperSS]

lol !!! ^^^ :lol:

[ossie_21]

What do Van Nguyen & the West Coast Eagles have in common???


They both choked at the last minute.

[[RX2]]

i'd like to know who posted that joke under my user name , sure as hell wasnt me.



ahh , bloody ninja .... get off my pc at work !

[Yipes]

hahahah! WEIRD

[ReaperSS]

']i'd like to know who posted that joke under my user name , sure as hell wasnt me.



ahh , bloody ninja .... get off my pc at work !

LOL! i was going to do a "Im coming out the closet" Thread on your pc! Im not that mean. :lol:

Ps I Pm'd all the girls on antilag asking them for sex (jokes) :lol:

(dont worry man ya all logged out now)

[Yipes]

Yeah and I PM'd back ;)

[ReaperSS]

Yeah and I PM'd back ;)


Hey Mat! She said yes!!!!!!!

Where can she meet ya lol :lol:

(JOKES) :)

[Yipes]

Don't joke about It. U break my Heart :(

[ReaperSS]

Don't joke about It. U break my Heart :(


Awwww Me is very sorry to you ;)

[ReaperSS]

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Yipes]

Rule 8 - Chainsaw movies are ok? Hmmm I'd say they would Make the girl squealy and antzy, well it does to Me. Boys horror films guarantee u some action

[ReaperSS]

Rule 8 - Chainsaw movies are ok? Hmmm I'd say they would Make the girl squealy and antzy, well it does to Me. Boys horror films guarantee u some action

LOL

[McKVNT]

I agree :D :D

[ReaperSS]

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

[ReaperSS]

the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

[[RX2]]

Hey Mat! She said yes!!!!!!!

Where can she meet ya lol :lol:

(JOKES) :)

thats what i was up to last night....

servicing with a H B I ......hot beef injection

[ReaperSS]

Was it as quality as that HOTTIE at metros freo you were dancin wif?

[1JZNOSHIT]

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings??




A. Walk.....

[ossie_21]

So I'm guessing that 3 word joke thread was deleted?? Dammit!! That was getting funny hahaha

2 oranges were walking down the street, and one said to the other "Where abouts do you live mate?" The 2nd orange replied "I'm not telling you, you'll nick my washing".


And that's me done. :)

[McKVNT]

...

[1JZNOSHIT]

Call me retarded, but Im still trying to work that one out SW33T :)

[ReaperSS]

Q. Why did the walking stick cross the road?

A. Cause it couldnt be botherd walking ;)

[ReaperSS]

Subject: lost pen





A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

[LILMSCRZY]

hahahhahai get that one :)

[LILMSCRZY]

*she tripped over a cordless phone.




ive once tripped over a speed bump at a cruise, then walked into a parked car :(

[ReaperSS]

LOL!!!! Sorry souldnt laugh!

I walked out of Macdonalds melvelle and hopped into my mates wrx started eatin my food only to have 4 "big carnts" come over and say "WTF are ya doing" I then realized that my mates fuked off to grab smokes and this wrx just happend to be very similer to his and i just hopped in and started eatin my food !

I had to do some fast talking ! Thats just as bad hahaha

[Yipes]

hshahahha my friend at work did the same thing yesterday! hahahaha

[ReaperSS]

hshahahha my friend at work did the same thing yesterday! hahahaha

Yay! So im not the only one who does stupid things around here! :)

[ReaperSS]

Interesting Health Fact



Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects

the eyeball to the anus?



It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving

people a Sh1tty outlook on life.





If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if

it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. :lol:

[adrenalin]

sw33t wtf does that orange joke mean. I dont get it ?

[Miggy]

LOL!!!! Sorry souldnt laugh!

I walked out of Macdonalds melvelle and hopped into my mates wrx started eatin my food only to have 4 "big carnts" come over and say "WTF are ya doing" I then realized that my mates fuked off to grab smokes and this wrx just happend to be very similer to his and i just hopped in and started eatin my food !

I had to do some fast talking ! Thats just as bad hahaha

LMFAO :lol: CLASSIC!

[Sully]

Did you hear about the escaped psychopath who raped a group of women in a laundromat and ran away?
The headline read "Nut Screws Washers and Bolts".

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.
"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it.
The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis.
The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log.
He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter! "WOW!" he screamed out loud.
Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!"

[ReaperSS]

A GREAT JOKE WORTH READING!!!!!


A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive
is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young
lady,what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you,honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same
for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"

[ossie_21]

:lol:

[wadragracing]

Did you hear about the escaped psychopath who raped a group of women in a laundromat and ran away?
The headline read "Nut Screws Washers and Bolts".


That's actually based on a real headline a paper ran "Nut screws and bolts" about someone who escaped from an asylum and raped women. It's used as an ultimate examlpe of bad taste in journalism courses. Wow, something I remembered from uni!

[Sully]

i wouldn't say bad taste..... just good imagination and use of words :shake:

[ReaperSS]

LETTER TO MY SPOUSE




to my
> >spouse!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >A letter was left on the dining room table....
> > > >
> > > >My Dear Wife:
> > > >
> > > >You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your
> > >54-year-old
> > > >body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value
you
as
> >a
> > > >good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will
> >not
> > > >wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with
my
> > > >18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
> >perturbed
> > >-
> > > >I shall be back home before midnight.
> > > >
> > > >When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room
> > > >table:
> > > >
> > > >My Dear Husband,
> > > >
> > > >I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would
like
to
> > >take
> > > >this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the
> > >same
> > > >time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will
be
at
> > >the
> > > >Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your
secretary,
is
> > >also
> > > >18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your
excellent
> > >knowledge
> > > >of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
> >although
> > > >with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54
> >goes
> > > >into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime
tomorrow.

[LILMSCRZY]

bwahahahahahhhahahahah OWNED

[Macca]

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[ReaperSS]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.


lol!!!! Fuk they get grumpy sometimes,nothin you can do will cheer them up and if you try you will cop it aswell (catch 22)

[McKVNT]

Hahaha nice - so true

[ReaperSS]

> Cake or BED
> WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?
>
>
>
> CAKE OR BED?????
>
>
>
> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME
>
> WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
>
>
> HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
>
> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
>
>
>
> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
>
> FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?
>
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO!
>
>
>
> THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
>
> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
>
>
>
> TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
>
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO.
>
>
>
>FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
>DOOR?
> THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.
>
>
>
> I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS.
>
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO.
>
>
>
> I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
>
> I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!
>
>
>
>SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO
>FEEL
>GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP
>OUT.
>
>
> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
>
>
> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
>
>
>
> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
>
>
> HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
>
>
>
>SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A
>NICE
>YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO
>ALL
> THE
>
>REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A
>CAKE.
>
>
> HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?
>
>
>
> SHE REPLIED,
>
> HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>
> I DON'T THINK SO!
>

[ReaperSS]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
> >> around the block?"
> >> Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
> >> "What's that mean?" asked the child.
> >> "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
> >> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take
Belle
> >> for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was
> >> in heat, and to come to you."
> >> Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
> >> He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's
backside
> >> with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but
keep
> >> Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The
little
> >> girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
> >> Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
> >>
>
>
> >>
> >> The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down
the
> >> block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[ReaperSS]

> > >>>World's Shortest Fairytale:



> > >>>
> > >>> Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl
> > >>>said, "NO!"
> > >>>And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and
> > >>>played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
> > >>>
> > >>>THE END
> > >>>

[Twe12ve]

dude think the image got removed

[ReaperSS]

Haha dint take the image hosting site long LOL

[ReaperSS]

Tampax replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel in
December
They say it was only for the Christmas period.
>
Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got
run over by a bus and I pi**ed myself laughing'.
>
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having s*x with his
patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
>
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper says 'Bonjour Madame, ... '
>
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.
>
>Little girl gets lost in Tescos, security guard asks her 'what's your mum
>like?' Little girl replies 'Big c*cks and vodka'.
>
Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, Boss says 'I
have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off ... Ann says 'You'd better
jack off, I've got a headache.'
>
>Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part
>was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the
>trouble started.
>
Paul McCartney poem:- We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a
quiver,I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
>
Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a
dangerous mole removed from his pen*s ...... he won't be sha**ing one of
those again.
>
>It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
>kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where
>the hell she is!
>
>A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her fa**y.
>Doc says 'That looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the
>iceberg.'
>
>Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the
>receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I
>won't take it
>up the b*m.'

[flamo_damo]

>It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
>kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where
>the hell she is!


GOLD!!!!!!

[to4garret]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[ReaperSS]

A Blonde’s Year in Review


January - Took new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.


February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit into a typewriter!!!


March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2 - 4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!


May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!


August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.


September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???


October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound, and I weigh 108 pound!!!


December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


What a year!!

[ReaperSS]

> >>This one is for the girls.....
> > >>
> > >>A new Drink
> > >>
> > >>A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few
drinks.
> > >>While they're sitting there having a good time together she
starts
> > >>talking about this really great new drink.
> > >>The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts
> > >>trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
> > >>
> > >>After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The
> > >>bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a
salt
> > >>shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The
> > >boyfriend looks
> > >>at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
> > >>
> > >>"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink
the
> > >>shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink
the
> > >>lime juice."
> > >>
> > >>So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
it. He
> > >>puts the salt on his tongue! Salty but okay. He drinks the shot
of
> > >>Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this
> > >is okay.
> > >>Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one
> > >second the
> > >>sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
> > >curdles... at three
> > >>seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his
gag
> > >>reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
girlfriend,
> > >>he swallows the now nasty drink.
> > >>
> > >>When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She
smiles
> > >>widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called a
Blow
> > >>Job Revenge!"

[Yipes]

hahahah! Suck ****!

[Nemi]

Shut up bitch and swallow *hits yipes over the back of the head*

[Yipes]

SNOWBALL FOR YOU!

[Nemi]

that sorta **** starts domestic violence.

[ReaperSS]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these,
Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms,
son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high
school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool"
says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and
TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

[ReaperSS]

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
the
> >difference between potentially and realistically?"
> >
> > The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask
your
> >mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
Then
> >ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars,
> >and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
Million
> >dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
> >
> > So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you
sleep
>with
> >Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
> >would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send
you
> >kids to a great University!"
> >
> > The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you
sleep
>with
> >Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I
LOVE
> >Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
> >
> > The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you
sleep
> >with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother
> >replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
> >
> > The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went
back
>to
> >his dad.
> >
> > His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference
>between
> >potentially and realistically? The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially,
you
> >and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're
> >living with two ****s and a poof."

[GTS4SUM]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[ReaperSS]

^^^Haha thats a good one ;)

[Macca]

I would hire him

[ReaperSS]

> > story of a New Zealander
> >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > A New Zealander was washed up on the beach of a deserted island
> > > after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were
washed
>up with him.
> > >
> > > After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his
two
>
> > > animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun
set.
> > >
> > > One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
> > > cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night
for
>romance.
> > >
> > > As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to
> > > the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his
arm
> > > around
>it.
> > >
> > > But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
fiercely
> > > until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
> > >
> > > After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
> > > together, but there was no more cuddling.
> > >
> > > A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
>shipwreck.
> > >
> > > The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful
>woman
> > > the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued
> > > her
>and
> > > he slowly nursed her back to health.
> > >
> > > When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to
their
> > > evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening red sky,
> > > cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of
>romance.
> > >
> > > Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He
> > > fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
> > > leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her
>ear...
> > >
> > > "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
> > >

[ReaperSS]

>It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
> >As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old
ladies
> >sitting in a used car.
> >He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were
> >they trying to steal it?
> >"Heavens no, we bought it."
> >"Then why don't you drive it away."
> >"We can't drive."
> >"Then why did you buy it?"
> >"We were told that if we bought a second hand car here we'd get
screwed
> >..so we're just waiting.

[GTS4SUM]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
into
a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a
Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get
to know
each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back
to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she
says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the
world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she
will
sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is
only too
happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in,
orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him
some
more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him
again, so
she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
"Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My
parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

[Cha_Ching]

> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
> as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
> them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
>
> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
> wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became
> necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and
> for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
> working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
> home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
>
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her.
> Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
> dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
> club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked
> grub when I hit that door.
>
> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
> not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
> dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
> each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
> appreciates this, as it does
>
> seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
>
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will

> say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

> during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so
> I just smile
>
> and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even

> three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her

> that
>
> missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
> know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods.
> She
>
> had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I

> try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
> nice, big,
>
> cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And,

> as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for

> me too.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
> I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
> will find
>
> it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I

> do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if

> you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
> because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile.
> After
>
> all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
>
> Signed,
>
> Ron
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says
> that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver

> II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
> His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the
> all-woman jury found her
>
> Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it
> very suddenly.

[GTS4SUM]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean
it, prepare
it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are
fussy eaters,
and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't
tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see," he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him
what they are eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother
sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams.."Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a
****ing
arsehole...!!!"